Saturday, June 4, 2011

Tips on Surviving Chicago (You Won't)

In the spirit of generosity, and to fulfill my court-ordered community service, I have decide to bestow upon you, the humble reader, some of what I've learned during my year of living in Chicago.

1. Weather

Invest in a sturdy umbrella. Some locals joke that a "Chicago umbrella" is one turned inside out by the wind, but this is inaccurate. A "Chicago umbrella" is one turned inside out by the wind and then is rigged to be counted as several votes in a local election.

2. Subways

You will miss your train. It will speed off while you are desperately trying to run between the closing doors. To prevent yourself from looking foolish, I recommend ghost riding the train. Just start dancing along it as it leaves, though you must be familiar with proper "stuntin'" decorum.

3. Crime

Like I have mentioned before in previous episodes, I am a intern for the local Yakuza gang. Though this just means getting coffee for the more senior guys and getting a large tattoo of a dragon fighting a tiger across my chest, it has also allowed me to really get involved in the "crime scene" in Chicago. It's a lot like the music scene, but with fewer moustaches.

4. Making friends

One word: overrated. You know what really makes life exciting? Making enemies. The next time you meet someone who shares your interests, just punch them in the solar plexus and whisper, "Remember this day forever. Also, you should follow my blog."

5. Clothing

Clothes are expensive, and between pretending to be a doctor and punching strangers, you are bound to wear them out. But when they get old, just turn your clothes into different clothes!

Pictured above: A torn shirt, now a brand new handkerchief/pocket square! I know, right? And you said my life couldn't get any lonelier.

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