Monday, January 30, 2012

Test Questions

So, we just had our big exam over the Ob/Gyn and GI units, and there were some really hard questions. I thought I should share some with you.

1. Professor McGonagall is pregnant, and Harry Potter must help deliver the baby. What should he do?

A. "Expelliarmus fetus!"
B. "Abruptio Placenta!"
C. Have Hermione perform an emergency, magical C-section
D. Pull Gryffindor's speculum from the Sorting Hat

2. Which is NOT a significant risk factor for an ectopic pregnancy?

A. Talking at the movies
B. 2 (two) first-degree relatives with blonde highlights
C. Using the word "irregardless"
D. Putting your fingers up to your mouth when it is cold outside and pretending to smoke

4. Which is NOT a side-effect of oral-contraceptive use?

A. X-ray vision
B. Animal telepathy
C. Heart-doubling
D. Superuterus

5. A 23-year-old male presents with frequent, non-bloody diarrhea after a recent trip to Latin America. Which of these questions would be most important to ask?

A. "How was your trip?"
B. "What did you bring me?"
C. "Hey, I don't know what your wife is talking about. I was just fixing your shower."
D. "Maybe if you just TALKED to Jan, she would rethink the divorce."
E. "No, YOU need to calm down!"

6. Which P450 enzyme is the best?

C. CYP2C19
E. Oh, I can't decide. I love them all!

3. Your patient is an elderly man complaining of severe RUQ pain. Several lacerations are apparent on the skin overlying his abdomen, and both wrists and ankles are in shackles. His HST and HLT levels are elevated, as well as his unconjugated bilirubin. His power of attorney is a large eagle that is menacingly pacing around the room. What would be the most appropriate next step?

A. Liver biopsy
B. Endoscopy
C. Ultrasound
D. Your patient is Prometheus and is being deservedly punished for his transgressions against Zeus. Return him to the mountain.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Uncle Benichiro

The winter snow has finally hit Chicago, which can only mean one thing:

Pictured above: That's right Sad Road Marker, it means it's time to go to the oriental food store to stock up on strange ingredients!

First up, I needed to get some Japanese rice. Now, what is "Japanese rice", you ask? Well, racist, Japanese rice is much like most things Japanese: smaller, more expensive, and harboring a secret desire to build a world empire.

Pictured above: Wait, I had something for this. Uncle Benichiro!

And, what goes better with rice than twenty miniature, yogurt-flavored soft-drinks?

Pictured above: I am appalled by the lack of an adorable cartoon character on the package urging me to consume its contents. What's the point of drinking weird, Asian things if they aren't cross-promoting some epileptic morning cartoon or line of Hello-Kitty glitter-purses?

Finally, while in the checkout line, I became overcome with emotion and forced to grab a stack of teas.

Pictured above: For those who don't know, Roasted Green Tea is made from green tea leaves roasted over charcoal, and Oolong Tea is made from the shame you've brought upon your ancestors roasted over firewood.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Shopping List

After watching a video that is the pinnacle of absurdist humor, I've decided to come up with my own fake shopping list:

Tim Gunn action figure
Edible notepads
Explosive ham
Anti-spyware helmet
Bird glue
Neck garters
Yoga vest
Automatic banana peeler
Manual banana peeler
Trivial Pursuit Golden Girls Edition

I'm seriously considering doing this with someone. I just need a friend as insane as I am.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

New Year's Resolutions

1. While shaking the hand of a stranger, linger a little too long and stare at their hand.

2. Walk over to a girl to ask her out, and then lose confidence en-route and pretend to tie my shoe.

3. Put four collar stays in a shirt and ask "if you notice anything different about me."

4. Mispronounce "pronunciation" to see if anyone corrects me.

5. While getting a haircut, tell the barber that "the weather has been really nice lately."

Monday, January 2, 2012

Best of the Best's of 2011

Happy New Year! Here are my best of the best's of 2011! There was some tough competition this year, but here are the winners:

Best Christmas Ornament with Photograph of Me in 2nd Grade of 2011:


Best Christmas Ornament with Handprint of Me in Kindergarten of 2011:

Pictured above: HEARTSLAP

Best Grits of 2011:


Best Marginal Nerd Board Game of 2011

Pictured above: POWERGRID

Best Technology Destroyed by Sai of 2011

Pictured above: MONTH-OLD IPOD NANO