Sunday, July 24, 2011

The Wonders of Online Dating

In the olden days, men with crippling loneliness (like me) were forced to either write long stories with no point or be not-so-secretly gay. But now, with the invention of both intra and inter-nets, loneliness is just a click away! Here are some tricks to make your online dating experience a success! (I would call them tips, but let's be honest; just like real dating, all that we men have is deception.)

[Note: These are all actual messages I received from an actual online dating site]

Trick #1: Proportional Response

Worried about being overly excited or too reserved? Just keep it proportional. If it works for a military campaign, it works for a romantic invasion as well.

Pictured above: About as effective as "Shock and Awe."

Trick #2: Honesty

You are ugly. I am ugly. Let's just accept it.

Pictured above: For some reason, she didn't message me back...

Trick #3: Nerdity

Just nerd it up man, that's how you get awesome nerdy messages.

Pictured above: Is there really any better pick-up line?


  1. "A portrait of the artist as a young man" -- a protagonist, Stephen, is your namesake. You should be thankful that you were not named "Oscar." Funny you mention two of my favorite authors, both from Dublin.

  2. My favorite part of the online dating site you have shown us is that each of those people is at least 10% your "Enemy."