Sunday, February 26, 2012

The Last KU vs. MU Game

[I didn't see the last KU vs. MU game last night, but I did have my Facebook wall flooded with status updates this morning. So, here is, as far as I can tell, a brief recap of what happened last night.]

Pre-Game: A great fissure appears in the ground outside Allen Fieldhouse. Satan rises from it, followed by the Missouri basketball team, Frank Haith, and a pile of charred, soulless, MU fans. The sky is torn open by Poseidon, and Bill Self leads the KU basketball team on a flock of pegasi into the arena. A courier runs up to Coach Self, handing him a note from God, apologizing for His absence because He "couldn't get tickets."

Tip-off: The entire Missouri team immediately starts cheating by pulling out handguns and shooting the Kansas team. Withey is able to stop the bullets with his mind.

KU scores some points. MU scores some points.

The Missouri players join together to form a fire-breathing dragon. Thomas Robinson pulls a sword out of his own heart and cuts off the dragon's head, which he then dunks into the basket.

Halftime: The ghost of John Brown appears and joins Big Jay in an epic dance number. Once the spirit fingers start, both the KU and MU fans become visibly uncomfortable.

Bill Self reveals to the crowd that he is, in fact, Batman.

KU scores some points. MU scores some points.

Allen Fieldhouse reaches 120 decibels, which causes the roof to collapse on some Missouri fans. The hand of Poseidon saves them from the falling wreckage, though he make it clear that it is only so "they have to see the final score."

Tyshawn Taylor walks to the free-throw line. He raises his hand and conjures 100 basketballs to appear in the Fieldhouse, all of which enter the basket. This scores 2 points.

Final score: KU wins 87-86. There is silence from the Missouri team, as they struggle to remember if 86 is higher than 87. Poseidon returns to the sea, and Satan asks if "anyone is carpooling back to Missouri."

Sunday, February 19, 2012

ECG Readings for Arrhythmias of a Broken Heart

Ventricular It's-Not-You-It's-Me Pre-excitation

Not all QRS complexes are preceded by P-waves, but it's not the P-wave's fault. The QRS just isn't at a point in its life to follow a P-wave so exclusively. It's sure the P-wave understands.

I'm-Into-Your-Roommate Sinus Rhythm

T-waves are symmetric and boring in leads V2-V5. The nearby V1 has an inverted T-wave, which you lied and said you didn't like at all, but you really want to see if it had U-waves, too. However, the likelihood of hypokalemia just isn't realistic between you two.

Sinus Moving-Too-Fast Tachycardia

The heart rate is above 100 BPM, and you are worried there might be some early afterdepolarizations if things keep moving like this. You were fine when things were only 60 BPM, but you aren't ready to follow an ectopic pacemaker.

Atrial I'm-Secretly-Gay Fibrillation

The overall rhythm is irregularly irregular, but it's totally ready to just be irregularly irregular friends. There's no reason that we still can't go shopping for those QT-intervals you saw last week. And you should bring your friend Brent.

Atrioventricular Node Block Type IV: I Hate That Cat Sweater

The PR-interval is prolonged, with occasional dropped beats. It is usually accompanied by I HATE THAT SWEATER! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS WEARING THAT TERRIBLE SWEATER? HOW DID YOU EVEN FIND A SWEATER WITH SO MANY CATS ON IT! WE'RE DONE!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

A Brief Glimpse into My Cellular Telephone

Below is an exchange of actual text messages I sent to my (new) best friend after we got back from a coffee-shop that had piles of Trivial Pursuit cards at each of the tables.

ME: So, it turns out reading trivial pursuit cards is way more fun than it should be. We should do that again sometime.

E: Maybe with more modern trivia cards.

ME: Just as long as the answer to everything is still Hitler.

E: Did you know Hitler was a vegetarian?

ME: Did you know Hitler was rejected from art school for "unfitness for painting"?

E: Did you know Hitler was afflicted with monorchism?

ME: Did you know Hitler sold postcards in Vienna for four years?

E: Did you know Hitler refused to travel on a zeppelin because they "were against nature"?

ME: Did you know Hitler was a werewolf?

E: False. Vampire.

[time passes]

E: Did you know that Mussolini was once an elementary school's schoolmaster?

My life is becoming more and more like Portlandia. And maybe I should start a cell-phone texting service called "Instant Hitler Faxx!"

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Vikings and Getting Cookie-Wasted

What is the best kind of brunch restaurant? WRONG! The answer is the viking-themed restaurant Svea.

Pictured above: The menu is very misleading. The restaurant is not on a rickety boat, but you can have the waitress vigorously shake your chair and yell, "Rough seas ahead!" It is customary to tip based on her ability to do a Norse accent.

And what do these cutthroat warriors eat for breakfast?

Pictured above: "We will burn down their village and pillage their gold! And then we will take a break for pancakes and jam! And then back to the pillaging!"

Queasy from both the simulated water turbulence and potential lingonberry overdose, I needed to take a break. This is how I discovered the Cookie Bar.

Pictured above: I wish every bar in Chicago were like this. I could sidle up to the bartender, ask what's good, and they would pull out a cookie sheet with fresh cookies from behind the bar.

I'm not one for drinking, but if anyone wants to join me, you should totally get cookie-wasted with me.

Pictured above: I really want one, but I don't think I can bring myself to order it. Girls might be listening.