Sunday, September 25, 2011

Speed Dating 4: Medical School Edition

So, my medical school put on a speed-dating event last Thursday. As I had gone a long time without diving into a huge pile of loneliness, I gave it a shot.

Pictured above: For this particular lonely event, we were all given numbers to rank our relative attractiveness. I was number 45. There was no number 46.

What was it like speed-dating with medical school classmates? Well, my unrelenting optimism apparently comes thrashing out when confined in a small space with a girl, which does not always go down well with a stress-out medical student. So here are some phrases I learned I must avoid:

"Living in Chicago is easy!"*

"Medical school is easy!"*

"Second year is easy!"*

"Studying is easy!"*

"You look easy!"**

*actually said by me
**implied by me

Pictured above: I began the evening by myself at dating-station "L." There weren't enough ladies at the event, so I started with a bye match. I ate a Butterfinger candy bar alone for five minutes and now imagine this scene every time someone asks me, "How's dating going?"

Unfortunately, the ladies of medical school were all quite lovely (and all capable of finding this blog), so they shall not be the source of any jest. I am not aware of my results yet, but here's hoping that I tricked at least one of them into accidentally confusing my number with the one of the handsome man that went after me.

You know what? I deserve some kind of reward for going to so many speed-dating events. Something very manly, but also strangely depressing.

Pictured above: A set of men's colognes designed to look like a cigar box? That works.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Ball Sandwich and an Entire Sleeve of Crescent Rolls

It's the weekend before the first exam of the second year of medical school, so you can imagine that I am making the appropriate preparations. Just this Friday, I participated in the medical school Society Olympics, which is my favorite event blending arbitrary tribalism and complementary sandwiches.

The best event was one of the relay races called the "Ball Sandwich." Now, that may SOUND vaguely homo-erotic, but let me put you at ease. It was just two sweaty, muscular men linking arms and holding hands back-to-back, skipping together with a kickball wedged between them. And if that still makes you uncomfortable, you can also call it a "Man Sandwich."

Pictured above: A blurry ball sandwich. Please don't Google "blurry ball sandwich".

Well, time to get back to studying. And what powerful carbohydrate have I chosen to fuel my brain engine? Why, not an entire sleeve of cinnamon rolls, but rather an entire sleeve of crescent rolls!

Pictured above: This is not a sleeve of crescent rolls. This is half a sleeve. Multiply this by two, and you will understand both my study style and the reason I live alone.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Bloggin' Your Way to a Thinner You!

Last Friday, I had the amazing opportunity to give a guest lecture on blogging to a "Writing in the Technological Age" course at the University of Illinois-Chicago*. After the laser-show and the stunning introduction by my hype man, I entered the classroom and pummeled them with wisdom. Here is a small** excerpt.


"Are you frustrated with your lives? Can't seem to find what you are looking for? You're right! There is something wrong with you. And I am the only person who can help you help yourself. With blogging.

With my patented 44-step blogging system, I can teach you how to blog yourself into real blogging shape. Here's my first tip: go on a blogging diet. Eat only foods featured on your blog.

Pictured above: It's got a TOMATO. It's HEALTHY.

But don't blogging stop there! Inspire others with your blogdom and blogography.

Pictured above: You know what this flight of pancakes makes me want to eat? A healthy fruit snack.

Once you've blogged into the blogosphere, you can blog your blog into full blogness by blogging about other blogs. For example, you could blog about how amazing my blog, The Sartorial Skeptic, is. Be sure to include many, many links. And hyperlinks.

I've really enjoyed my time live-blogging with you (that's what I call talking), and feel free to blog about this blog-lecture. Just be sure to blog about my blog! Blog ME? No, blog YOU. Happy blogging!"

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Stand-Up Comedy Personas

So, every year my medical school puts on a comedy/variety show for charity, and this year I'm thinking about doing a stand-up routine. Since I've spent this past year trying desperately to be funny on the internet, I think I should try to be desperately funny on stage.

I've never done this kind of thing before, so I'm going to need to craft my "on-stage" persona. Here are my options:

[Note: my actual jokes will be better than these. Well, I hope they will be.]

The Seinfeld

High-pitched voice and lots of complaining.

"What's the deal with white coats? I think instead of long-coats for doctors and short-coats for medical students, we should have a spectrum of lengths. You start your first year in a white halter-top and end medical school with a white cape."

The Louis C.K.

Get it? The joke is that my life is sad.

"So, I've started online dating, because nothing helps you get back into the dating game like eating a bag of chips in front of the computer while clicking on pictures of girls on the internet."

The Chris Rock

Well, except with Japanese stuff.

"Any Japanese people here tonight...? Why aren't you studying!?"

The John Hodgman

Let me teach you some nonsense.

"Kansas's state slogan is 'Kansas: As Big As You Think!' I know, that sounds pretty bad, but it was better than its previous slogan 'Kansas: Now without slaves!'"

The Demetri Martin

Short and strange.

"I really like wearing bow ties. They send a very clear message. And that message is, 'Hey, I don't have a girlfriend.'