Saturday, March 12, 2011

All Your Medical School Dating Questions, Answered

[Below is a dating advice column I wrote for the Northwestern newsletter The Beat. The editors would like for me to re-affirm that the opinions found in The Beat are of the writers themselves and do not reflect upon those of the editors.]

As the resident Dating Expert for The Beat, I am well qualified to answer questions of romance. But despite this obvious superiority, few of my fellow students have actually approached me for advice. Thus, for your benefit, I have provided the answers to what I assume are frequent problems for my peers.

Q: I have been having a hard time balancing medical school and my relationship with my significant other. They keep telling me me that I should spend more time with them and not study so much. What should I do?

First of all, you are not studying enough. Clearly, you have an excess of free time, wasting it having useless “conversations” about “spending more time” with your partner. Instead of “talking” with your partner, you should really focus get back to memorizing the branches off the subclavian artery.

But this doesn't mean that you have choose either medicine and love. You can do both! The next time you go out to a fancy dinner, take turns reading excerpts from Grant's Dissector in a sexy voice. Bonus points if you can cut apart your steak with a scalpel and tweezers.

Q: I have been having trouble meeting new people in medical school. Sure, I know my classmates, but how do I date someone not in my class?

People not in medical school (so called “real people”) are a tricky bunch to date. Most of them have paying jobs, clear responsibilities, and a natural maturity that makes them unable to identify with the typically disheveled, disorganized shell of a person that medical school creates.

But there is good news! You can always employ deception! Lie about having a normal job with normal hours, and be sure to go on dates in locations far from your apartment or the medical school. Buy plenty of disposal cell phones and re-route your IP address in order to keep up the mystery. Then, when your significant other demands to know the truth, you can divert the lie by making an even bigger one: that you are married and having an affair. This is more likely to work successfully than actually admitting you have massive debt and a fascination with cutting apart cadavers.

Q: I'm really not that into dating right now. I'm so busy studying for medical school, I just don't think I have time to date. Why should I even bother?

The answer, of course, is evolution. We are much like our mammalian brothers and sisters; we live in groups defined by the interactions of the sexes and look for joy in forming meaningful relationships with others. If you want to achieve a successful career in medicine, you can't just get good grades. You have to become a social silverback, spreading your genes through fear and intimidation.

First, you need to find yourself a mate. If you are a female, prepare to date like a bird. Observe the males from afar and make judgments based on their upper-body strength and plume coloration. Take note of their elaborate mating rituals and dances; percent hip-movement at a dance club is an excellent correlate to fertility. And, if you are lucky, you can even make them duel for a chance to mate with you.

If you are a male, prepare to date like an elephant seal. Since you are reading this dating advice column, I will assume that you already have some experience tricking women into dating you. Therefore, you will benefit by playing the numbers. Gather together a harem of women and keep them around by providing plenty of shelter and herring. If another male approaches, ward him off with loud bleating and barking. If a polar bear attacks, head for the water.

Q: I find your column offensive. It reinforces the stereotypical dichotomy of sexuality, alienating gay and bisexual students in the class. You propagate a culture of insensitivity, ignorance, and ostracization against those of non-heterosexual orientation.

A. Yes, and I also don't trust minorities.

Q: There is this REALLY handsome guy in my class. He has short brownish-black hair and glasses, and he sits at the front of the lecture every day. He always dresses up for class, even when he doesn't have to. I have a severe crush on him, but I am intimidated by his rugged good-looks. What should I do?

What a great question. I assume he is also very fashionable, mysterious, debonaire, and surprisingly muscular. Here's how you get his attention: you and the rest of the ladies in your medical school class should devise a gladiator-style tournament to compete for his love. Preferably, this should be a fight to the death. This man should preside over the competition, judging the winner of this battle royal and declaring himself King over the entire medical school.

Note: This may have just been a malaria-induced fever dream I had last night.


  1. i haven't laughed like that in what feels like ages! thank you!

  2. Every time I read the descriptions on, I think about how you should write for them. Seriously, just go through the different deals and read the first paragraphs. They're hilarious.

  3. You are ridiculously hilarious!