Sunday, March 20, 2011

Out With the New, In With the Old!

Shaving is a terrible, terrible ordeal. For the women out there reading my blog (Hello there, internet ladies...) who do not understand, I will help you. Every morning, a man must take a dull knife to his face and carve off the sharp bristles that grow from his jaw to his neck. It is a V3 trigeminal region of pain and suffering that every man must endure.

It serves as a constant reminder of the futility of life, the ubiquity of personal failure, and the fact that even your own body is trying to keep women at bay. Although this usually translates into my morning ritual of crying in the shower and singing along to REM's "Everybody Hurts", I've discovered a better way! And by better, I mean more archaic.

Pictured above: The tools of the "wet shave."

Yes, an old-timey boar-bristle brush and shaving mug. I got the idea from the fantastic men's style series Put This On. Instead of slathering Axe-brand man-child gel on your face, delicately applying warm shaving-soap hearkens back to a simpler time, when a shave and a haircut was two bits and for some reason there were two kinds of water fountains.

And I have also upgraded the upper part of my face! I braved the internet and ordered my first pair of glasses online.

Pictured above: No, these are TOTALLY different from my old ones. Also, why am I taking so many photos of my glasses all of a sudden?

At only $42, this will be the only way I buy glasses from now on. I used to just beat up random people on the street and steal their glasses, but I just could never find my prescription. I will miss it though; it was a great upper-body workout. [Idea: New fitness sensation called Violencercise, "Assault your way to a thinner you!"]

And to celebrate my new shave and spectacles, I went vintage shopping.

Pictured above: Oh, I hear they have very high quality mens at this store.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Much like "Free Candy" or "Hogwartz Express," a predator would only have to craft and post this sign to lure an unknowing Sai into the darkest of stairwell traps.

    (sister Aubrey)