Back Alley Games and Myopic Gnomes

I am not accustomed to failure. I had my first taste of it in grade school, when I brought back a sub-satisfactory grade of less than an "A." My mother kindly sat me down, put her arm around my shoulder, and explained that I had brought shame to the entire family.

But even now, I find myself falling into a pattern of failure. It began a week ago, when I acquired an antique straight razor the only way one should: in a back alley game of no-limit baccarat. Despite it's horrifyingly unguarded blade, it was too dull to use for shaving.

Pictured above: Alas, I will simply have to use it as one of my back-up blades during my back alley games of no-limit knife fighting.

And I also purchased a pair of prescription sunglasses online, but I unfortunately did not notice that they were the world's smallest pair of aviators.

Pictured above: Appropriate only for Bond villains or myopic gnomes.

This week had some success for me, though. I managed to capture a rare tropical painting during my monthly art hunt. It will surely be my new trophy to sit atop my mantle.

Pictured above: Don't worry, the painting was humanely euthanized.

Out With the New, In With the Old!

Shaving is a terrible, terrible ordeal. For the women out there reading my blog (Hello there, internet ladies...) who do not understand, I will help you. Every morning, a man must take a dull knife to his face and carve off the sharp bristles that grow from his jaw to his neck. It is a V3 trigeminal region of pain and suffering that every man must endure.

It serves as a constant reminder of the futility of life, the ubiquity of personal failure, and the fact that even your own body is trying to keep women at bay. Although this usually translates into my morning ritual of crying in the shower and singing along to REM's "Everybody Hurts", I've discovered a better way! And by better, I mean more archaic.

Pictured above: The tools of the "wet shave."

Yes, an old-timey boar-bristle brush and shaving mug. I got the idea from the fantastic men's style series Put This On. Instead of slathering Axe-brand man-child gel on your face, delicately applying warm shaving-soap hearkens back to a simpler time, when a shave and a haircut was two bits and for some reason there were two kinds of water fountains.

And I have also upgraded the upper part of my face! I braved the internet and ordered my first pair of glasses online.

Pictured above: No, these are TOTALLY different from my old ones. Also, why am I taking so many photos of my glasses all of a sudden?

At only $42, this will be the only way I buy glasses from now on. I used to just beat up random people on the street and steal their glasses, but I just could never find my prescription. I will miss it though; it was a great upper-body workout. [Idea: New fitness sensation called Violencercise, "Assault your way to a thinner you!"]

And to celebrate my new shave and spectacles, I went vintage shopping.

Pictured above: Oh, I hear they have very high quality mens at this store.