Sunday, April 24, 2011

Questions for the Chicago Pedal Pub

After seeing this, I...just had so many questions. I thought I would share them with you.

Pictured above: Spotted in Wicker Park, The Chicago Pedal Pub is a roving drinking station powered by the pedaling of its patrons.

Question #1: Why the name "Pedal Pub"? There are a huge number of other drinking-related alliterations choose from! For example: Booze Bicycle.

Question #2: Why is your motto "It's SLOW fun"? Were people complaining that they were getting bored with their fun because it was moving TOO FAST?

Question #3: How did this idea come to be? Was someone drinking with their friends in a bar and exclaim, "I can't take it any more! I need to be able to get drunk AND blast my quads at the same time!"

Question #4: Have you considered expanding your franchise? As a non-drinker, I would be particularly interested in a roving tea shop powered by push-ups or a mobile old-timey soda shop powered by deep-knee bends.

Question #5: How does the driver get licensed to operate a vehicle powered solely by inebriated individuals? The only applicable prior work experience seems to be operating the lower-deck oars in a Viking slave ship.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

PEX Tips

Since we have a Physical-Exam (PEX) skills test this week, I decided to provide a list of some helpful tips for my fellow medical students.

Tip #1: Building Trust

Doctors can be very intimidating while conducting a physical exam. Therefore, here is a way to lighten the mood. Walk into the patient's room wearing nothing but a hospital gown and carrying a doctor's white coat. Then, when you see the patient, pause, and say, "Ooh, that makes much more sense. I'll be right back."

Tip #2: Hearing test

When testing the patient's ability to hear, we were taught to whisper wholesome words into their ears, like "baseball, "apple pie," or "buy war bonds." However, these do not challenge the patient's auditory comprehension very accurately, so here are some more useful phrases to whisper:

"Nice ears"
"You're lookin' good in that gown"
"[chorus from "Drop It Like It's Hot"]"

Tip #3: Fundoscopic exam

While it is considered appropriate to dim the lights for use of the opthalmoscope, it is NOT considered appropriate to turn on Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On."

Tip #4: Complete Neurological Test

We are taught to examine simple muscular reflexes and the general mental status of our patient, but we unfortunately do not test for more complex neurological elements. Here is one example of a more advanced neurological test. During the Romberg test, have your patient stand with their feet together and then close their eyes. Then, shove them hard in their chest and watch them fall to the ground. This test has a 98% sensitivity for the patient's ability to feel "betrayal."

Tip #5: Ending the Exam

Make sure you didn't forget any part of the exam! Most beginning students forget to perform the important "Hot or Not" Test, which many physicians contend is a useful predictor for both illicit relations and heart disease.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Back Alley Games and Myopic Gnomes

I am not accustomed to failure. I had my first taste of it in grade school, when I brought back a sub-satisfactory grade of less than an "A." My mother kindly sat me down, put her arm around my shoulder, and explained that I had brought shame to the entire family.

But even now, I find myself falling into a pattern of failure. It began a week ago, when I acquired an antique straight razor the only way one should: in a back alley game of no-limit baccarat. Despite it's horrifyingly unguarded blade, it was too dull to use for shaving.

Pictured above: Alas, I will simply have to use it as one of my back-up blades during my back alley games of no-limit knife fighting.

And I also purchased a pair of prescription sunglasses online, but I unfortunately did not notice that they were the world's smallest pair of aviators.

Pictured above: Appropriate only for Bond villains or myopic gnomes.

This week had some success for me, though. I managed to capture a rare tropical painting during my monthly art hunt. It will surely be my new trophy to sit atop my mantle.

Pictured above: Don't worry, the painting was humanely euthanized.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Spanish Monks

I am a self-proclaimed expert in many fields: Wolf-man tracking, antique vase appraisal, pan-flute whittling, etc. But I also know a few things about men's fashion. That is why I was so surprised when I learned about a new kind of men's shoe this week: the monk.

Pictured above: I now know the difference between oxford, derby, and monk shoes. Wow, that sounds way more pompous when I say that out loud. Can pretension count as a hobby?

Yes, the monk shoe has a buckle instead of laces, making me look 45% more like Puritan pilgrim when I wear them. I feel this strange desire to get back to work and accuse some ladies of witchcraft. They are also made of genuine Spanish leather, Diego, which makes me concerned as to why they were only $14 in a Kansas thrift store. Perhaps they are cursed, or perhaps the cobbler just spoke with a lisp.

I also perused the famous Big Lots of Topeka to get some $8 watches. One black, one brown, of course, to match my belt and shoes.

Pictured above: I like their fake brand names. "Episode" just reminds me of THIS and Callezio sounds like an Italian appetizer that I don't want to eat for some reason.

Anyway, back to eating dinner with my mom.

Pictured above: Yeah, that's right. I told you I was Japanese.