Sunday, April 10, 2011

Back Alley Games and Myopic Gnomes

I am not accustomed to failure. I had my first taste of it in grade school, when I brought back a sub-satisfactory grade of less than an "A." My mother kindly sat me down, put her arm around my shoulder, and explained that I had brought shame to the entire family.

But even now, I find myself falling into a pattern of failure. It began a week ago, when I acquired an antique straight razor the only way one should: in a back alley game of no-limit baccarat. Despite it's horrifyingly unguarded blade, it was too dull to use for shaving.

Pictured above: Alas, I will simply have to use it as one of my back-up blades during my back alley games of no-limit knife fighting.

And I also purchased a pair of prescription sunglasses online, but I unfortunately did not notice that they were the world's smallest pair of aviators.

Pictured above: Appropriate only for Bond villains or myopic gnomes.

This week had some success for me, though. I managed to capture a rare tropical painting during my monthly art hunt. It will surely be my new trophy to sit atop my mantle.

Pictured above: Don't worry, the painting was humanely euthanized.


  1. First, I told you -- you don't need a razor, much less straight razor. I hope you have your doctor's (= Kuma) number on a speed dial. Second, stop buying those ridiculous sunglasses online! You have only two eyes! Third, euthanasia is a noun. Some people started making it a verb by adding "ize" which cheapens the word. Kindly Mom always.

  2. I have my doubts about that painting, and think it may be artsier to display the unguarded chin-maimer in that frame thing instead of the painting.

    Also, "artsier" is a derivation of the slang adjective "artsy," which is in turn a shoddy form of the noun "art." Frankly, though, there isn't much honor in a three-letter word whose definition is constantly changing. Hence, I have no qualms with prostituting its cheap versions around shamelessly.