Monday, June 21, 2010

Full-Frontal Pizza

When I told my "friends" that I would be moving to Chicago, they told me to do two things right away: get some Chicago-style deep dish pizza and join a gang. The pizza was easy enough (see below), but unfortunately, the organized crime market is still in shambles since The Bubble burst back in 1999 ("The Bubble" is the nickname of the powerful New York mob don who died after eating too many Pop Rocks).

However, I managed to get an interview at the Chicago satellite office of the Yakuza. Now I just need to brush up on my gangster interview skills, which are significantly different from those I picked up on the medical school trail. For example, did you know that when interviewing for medical school, it is considered "rude" if you reload your revolver in front of your interviewer?

To aid in my search and boost my morale, two Kansas acquaintances visited me this weekend. They remembered my fondness of large tanks of water, and we went to the aquarium. It is a great thing to view the wonders of aquatic life, and it gives each of us the chance to experience what it would be like to be King of Atlantis.

Pictured above: the world's smartest fish. It may have a giant head, but it still only has book smarts. The other fish know that it may be able to get into fish-college, but it wouldn't survive on the fish-streets.

Then, we went to a local park, where my visitors dressed up like hipsters to frighten the people who had real "jobs." I couldn't join in, because I was busy changing into my tuxedo (as a true gentleman is want to do as the day approaches 6:00 p.m. [the gentleman's hour]).

Pictured above: This hipster has a "book" (a kind of vintage e-reader made out of wood-pulp) and an unnecessary scarf, but still failed to show proper levels of smug.

Afterwards, we went to a local eatery for pizza. Little did I know the travesty I would witness.

This pizza was certainly deep-dish, but toppings and cheese were violently stuffed into it with no regard to the dignity of the dish. I learned a valuable lesson: just because something is delicious does not mean it is not a crime against humanity. This pizza was obscene and is not suitable for younger viewers.

Pictured above: the obscene pizza (censored for your benefit), flashing its full-frontal toppings and taunting us with its scandalous cheese.

Overall, a good weekend.


  1. Just the mere picture of that pizza puts me into wild spasms, kind of like Miley Cyrus in her new video. I'm addicted! To the pizza, not Miley Cyrus, although it would be appropriate ironic.

    Where is a sturgeon picture? They were such a driving force of the trip. Of life, really.

  2. That scarf, when checking out that picture, was very necessary. I love it. You should have included a paragraph about how the feminine wile convinced an innocent shop worker to smuggle goods out through the front door.

  3. Bill for their stay?! remind me never to visit you.