Tips on Surviving Chicago (You Won't)

In the spirit of generosity, and to fulfill my court-ordered community service, I have decide to bestow upon you, the humble reader, some of what I've learned during my year of living in Chicago.

1. Weather

Invest in a sturdy umbrella. Some locals joke that a "Chicago umbrella" is one turned inside out by the wind, but this is inaccurate. A "Chicago umbrella" is one turned inside out by the wind and then is rigged to be counted as several votes in a local election.

2. Subways

You will miss your train. It will speed off while you are desperately trying to run between the closing doors. To prevent yourself from looking foolish, I recommend ghost riding the train. Just start dancing along it as it leaves, though you must be familiar with proper "stuntin'" decorum.

3. Crime

Like I have mentioned before in previous episodes, I am a intern for the local Yakuza gang. Though this just means getting coffee for the more senior guys and getting a large tattoo of a dragon fighting a tiger across my chest, it has also allowed me to really get involved in the "crime scene" in Chicago. It's a lot like the music scene, but with fewer moustaches.

4. Making friends

One word: overrated. You know what really makes life exciting? Making enemies. The next time you meet someone who shares your interests, just punch them in the solar plexus and whisper, "Remember this day forever. Also, you should follow my blog."

5. Clothing

Clothes are expensive, and between pretending to be a doctor and punching strangers, you are bound to wear them out. But when they get old, just turn your clothes into different clothes!


Pictured above: A torn shirt, now a brand new handkerchief/pocket square! I know, right? And you said my life couldn't get any lonelier.

Neuro Study Tips

As we approach the last exam of our first year of medical school, I thought it would be appropriate to share some helpful tips in my repertoire as a neurobiology major in college.

Tip #1: The Soul

While Descartes thought the seat of the soul was in the pineal gland, modern scientists have discovered that "soul" resides in the Soul and Pre-Soul Areas in the parietal lobes of rhesus monkeys. When stimulated by an electrode and "Get Up Off of That Thing" by James Brown, the primates demonstrate the phenomenon known as "Hot Pants."

Tip #2: Freud

We are all familiar with Freud's concept of the Id, Superego, and Ego, but did you know that Freud discovered even more complex divisions of the human psyche? For instance, he was the first to describe the Uber-ego, which is every human's drive to become a psychological icon despite the lack of any evidence to support their theories, and the Unter-id, which is the uncontrollable emotion evoked when forced to learn about a pre-scientific concept in a post-graduate education.

Tip #3: Tracts

There are many spinal and brain tracts, carrying all sorts of afferent and efferent information. Their names all sound about the same, have crazy acronyms, and synapse onto a huge range of complex nuclei. But here is an easy way to remember them! ...well, uh, nevermind. I can't think of anything. You are probably just going to have to get these questions wrong. Hmmm...rubrospinal tract? That's something, right?

Tip #4: Performance-enhancing drugs

We learned that boosting NMDA receptors can improve memory, so this is the perfect time to apply our knowledge! I, myself, have been injecting myself with experimental retroviruses carrying several different species-worth of genetically altered NMDA receptors. I can feel myself remembering things better, but there are some weird side-effkjlag;iubaeiaenrgaeigbareg12421323234.

Tip #5: Giving up/Taking One for the Team

Let's face it, this is the last exam of the year. You are probably excited about your upcoming summer trip to Africa/South America/Rural Alabama and your upcoming malaria medication/typhoid vaccine/racism vaccine. You know what, you deserve a break. Kick back, relax, and drive down that average score for the rest of us. You/We deserve it.

That's it! Good luck, and keep on "studying"!

Pictured above: "Studying," or rearranging the ties in my closet.