Monday, July 12, 2010

World Cup Wrap-Up

Although I have limited the World Cup coverage on my blog to a minimal discussion of some players' sartorial decisions, I have decided to write a quick recap of the final round yesterday between the Netherlands and Spain. But first, let us learn about these “un-American” (“non-American” or “irrelevant”) countries involved.

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The Netherlands

Slogan: “Are you sure you don't want to see our magnificent Cathedrals or historic castles? All right, the weed bar is over there.”

Netherlands is famous for its wooden shoes, wooden windmills, and wooden teeth, but did you know most of the country is actually not made of wood (the ground is largely dirt)? The Netherlands is also known as “Holland” and the people are known as “Dutch.” While most historians conclude that this is a translation error, it is mostly because the Dutch are very bad spellers.

The Netherlands is also well-known for its rich, natural deposits of individual rights. In Holland, you can legally smoke marijuana, legally purchase a prostitute, and legally murder someone if you can prove that you were on some “really wicked shrooms.”

Pictured above: Hilarious Dutch shoes. I usually make a joke at this point, but this is too easy. I don't need your charity, The Netherlands.

Fun Fact: When Dutch couples go out on a date and split the check, they call it “going normal.”

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Slogan: “Notice to Americans: We are not Mexico”

Americans often confuse Mexican and Spanish culture. But here is an fun and easy way to tell them apart: Mexico is responsible for the burrito, and Spain is responsible for the global, empirical, and systematic oppression and genocide of many indigenous peoples through historical colonization!

Spain is also the home of the flamenco guitar, where the musicians hit the sides of the guitar with their fingers while playing to keep the rhythm. More advanced flamenco masters just smash their guitars into the ground to the music while swearing loudly.

Pictured above: An illustration of Cervantes' masterpiece Don Quixote. You remember it as that one Wishbone episode where the little dog runs into the windmill.

Fun Fact: Spain has been secretly moving their borders slowly into Portugal over the last decade, and by 2025, Portugal will just a be a guy standing on the beach surrounded by Spanish guards.

The World Cup Finals

I do not understand football, so I did not understand this game. All I know is that there was a point where a guy kicked some other guy in the chest.

Pictured above: This is truly the gentleman's sport.

And then, just when they were playing my favorite song on the Vuvuzela (BZZZZZZZZZZZ, BZZZZZZZ!), the game was over. Spain apparently won, since some psychic cephalopod told them to. Speaking of which...

Paul the Psychic Octopus

This octopus has predicted the winners of many World Cup games, but, of course, he is not psychic. I, as a true skeptic, am inclined to believe that, with the combination of 50/50 chance picks and the innumerable people trying to predict the outcomes around the world, it was inevitable that someone or something would work and appear “magic”.

Pictured above: Mr. Paul Octopus, demonstrating his "grasp" of the complexities of international athletic competition.

However, the truth is far more sinister. Paul is not psychic, but rather is the leader of the super-intelligent octopi that control the shadow government of the world. When not planning wars or overthrowing governments from his tiny tank, this 8-legged king enjoys football as a hobby, commanding entire teams to throw the game and intentionally lose for his amusement. The other octopi overlords roll their eyes at their supreme commander and his obsession with what they call "human tentacle-ball”.


  1. One of your best. I smiled overtly at several points (though not laughing aloud, or even causing someone to ask me, "What are you grinning at?"). I particularly liked Spain's slogan, though your isolation of the single karate moment in the World Cup was a bit expected.

  2. I also read this post. That is all.