Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Cyberbullying and the Chicago Winter

Yes, I know that Chicago has cold winters. But it seems like every Chicago native I meet loves warning me of the apocalyptic arctic wasteland that the city becomes every year.

Pictured above: Chicago entering its Spring thaw.

I, for one, am not impressed. Not only was I forced to endure harsh blizzards in Kansas for many years, I was also forced to endure Kansas for many years.

So you can imagine my curiosity when I noticed this comment/question on the wall of my medical school class Facebook group.

Pictured above: A sincere plea for help.

Now, I was going to write something snarky in response, but then I realized that I really should try not to make enemies with my classmates until we meet face-to-face. Instead, I will post my planned response here, hoping that my vast(?) blog readership will be able to advise me on whether it would have been too mean to post for the whole class to see.

Hello. First, let me congratulate you on your preparative attitude. Nearly 50% of Chicago's population is killed every winter and is forcibly repopulated with incoming medical students. And most of them don't make it past October. A Midwesterner myself, I should be able to give a Californian like you some tips on shopping for winter clothes.

1. You should look for a jacket with sleeves. I know that you are probably really into showing off those tribal tattoos on your upper arms, but you will get more ladies if you maintain a healthy body temperature during a snowstorm.

2. I'm sure you love your board shorts when you are catching a gnarly wave, but they will not adequately protect the lower third of your body from the Chicago wind (which can sometimes reach speeds of 1000 mph). I would recommend either layering many shorts to keep your thighs warm or investing in some "long-shorts" (what we call “pants” here in the Midwest).

3. Finally, the material of your coat is very important. I usually stick to only real yak-fur to keep myself warm, but arctic camel wool or arctic fox pelts also make for some warm options (use baby seal blubber for insulation). Beware Alpaca fur, not just because it is incredibly itchy, but rather because of its financial ties to Al Qaeda.


  1. Wait, Chicago gets cold? Don't we all migrate south for the winter? I'm pretty sure we all migrate south for the winter.


    ...I've made a huge mistake.

  2. actually, I've only ever visited Chicago in the winter, and I can assure you they've been WAY worse than winters are here in KS. something about the dampness from Lake Michigan and the screaming winds around the buildings make December a truly harrowing month there. but hey, as long as you're sticking to yak-fur, you should be fine!