Saturday, July 17, 2010

Real and Fake Siblings

Full disclosure: My older brother is my mother's favorite. He is, in point of fact, everyone's favorite. Thus is the origin of our rivalry. He is the Cain to my Abel. The Bert to my Ernie. The first brother Karamazov to the second brother Karamazov.

An accomplished doctor, husband, and PS3 owner, he has put me to shame in innumerable ways. Now, he even lives a life of luxury, renting an apartment with both a front AND back door, as well as SEVERAL rooms. Confined to the relative poverty of my studio of a humble 425 square foot (equivalent to a spacious closet or enormous coffin), I have found time to ponder my own failures. I have discovered that this is best done while eating dinner over the sink and crying.

Despite this, I recently got lunch with my brother and his wife. As they have sworn a kind of “death oath” together, the permanence of their joyful interactions is a bizarre fascination of mine. Also, there was a free lunch in it for me.

Pictured above: Married life is much like Congrees, with big decisions (such as pizza toppings) being settled in committee. In this case, I was a non-voting member on the Senate Pepperoni Committee, despite my membership in the Senate Pizza Finance Committee.

Later, we sought to find a coffee shop in Wicker Park to sooth our more primal hipster urges. But what we found disturbed even the most ironic of hearts.

Pictured above: Impossible. This cannot be. But it was.

Yes, there perched in the window of this cafe, was a Delorean. And not just any Delorean.

Pictured above: Mr. Fusion. The most trusted name in flux capacitance.

Yes, this was a Back-to-the-Future themed coffee shop. My mind was racing at 88 miles per hour. Instantly I had the urge to make like a tree and get out of there. Something, something 1.21 gigawatts.

I ordered an iced coffee to cool my nerves, but it was smacked out of my hand by a slightly older looking version of me. He was wearing futuristic goggles and space boots, and told me that he traveled to the past to save me from poisoned coffee that I was just about to drink. I told him he owed me $2.25, and that time travel was impossible. He said something about “not needing roads,” and left. It's good to know that I will still be a cheapskate in the future.

Nonplussed, I toured this fascinating establishment. The posters around the place were an amazing sight.

Pictured above: An age where movie posters were, themselves, works of art. Just imagine if Eclipse had a painted movie poster. They would probably have to hire a whole team to accurately depict Taylor Lautner's rippling abs.

Speaking of siblings, I just finished my Big Sib/Little Sib survey for medical school. Apparently, the school has a program by which every first year student is matched to a second year, and they are to act as "siblings". From my own experiences with my brothers, I can only assume that we will be expected to shout Arrested Development references at each other.

Pictured above: Hey, look! A reference!

I imagine that most will use this Sib service for medical school study tips and advice, but I am a firm believer in taking things way too far. I am already designing matching friendship bracelets with whomever is lucky enough to be paired with me. Also, on the first day we meet, I'm going to bring a single red rose and they are going to bring a copy of Twilight so we can find each other. Besties forever!

Pictured above: Man, who would have thought that French Holocaust novels would be such a hit among tweens?

Below are some of my actual responses to actual questions on the Big Sib/Little Sib survey.

What superhero would you like to be or what superpower would you like to have?

I am already a superhero. But if I needed another superpower, it would be the ability to win any freestyle rap battle.

What are three adjectives that describe you?

Worldly, Wordy, Wonky

What else would you like us to know? Feel free to reiterate anything you already said or anything else you would like in a big sib.

I am an amateur writer and failed hipster. Please match accordingly.


  1. I'm no favorite. You are incorrect.

    Despite this transgression, I still read this blog post. That is all.

  2. Ryan and I discussed this topic, and decided that Ryan is my favorite, since he is the only one who eats my corned beef and boiled pork right now. Either way, you are not it. But I am still reading your blog. (Mom)