Sunday, August 1, 2010

On the Zoos and Their Lies

I always loved zoological parks as a child. It helped reassure me that man still had dominion over the beasts. However, I still have a deep-seeded fear that the ants will rise up against us. And don't get me started on zombie ants.

Insect horrors aside, the Lincoln Park Zoological Park was thoroughly enjoyable. For today's post, I will both entertain and inform you (I normally do neither) by providing MYTHS and FACTS for the top three zoo animals.

Pictured above: The giraffe, known for its awkward height, awkward gallop, and awkward conversation. MYTH: Giraffes are the tallest animals. FACT: Giraffes lie about their height on giraffe online dating sites.

At the time of seeing this giraffe, I was curious as to what the so-called “experts” at the park thought of these creatures. Luckily for me, there was a placard.

Pictured above: The history of giraffes. Of course, our sapien-centric philosophy blinds us to the fact that the giraffes themselves had a rich oral history. Tales of giraffe heroism were bleated and barked to the younger members of the herd for generations, until all records were lost due to poaching and the inability to form consonant sounds. The last two giraffes with knowledge of giraffe lore horned each other to death over who would have movie rights for their story.

But what of the flighted animals?

Pictured above: A bird. MYTH: According to Greek legend, some birds foretell tragedy. FACT: Birds foretell tragedy only for Greeks.

This animal's ancestors were the dinosaurs of old, who once ruled the planet with an indiscriminate violence from hooked claws, razor-sharp teeth, and tiny arms. Now the best a chicken can hope for is to give a human salmonella after not reaching the appropriate cooking temperature. Evolution is not fair.

Speaking of dinosaurs, I'm sure most of you know that the word “dinosaur” means “terrible lizard” in Latin. However, this is not because they were thought to invoke “terror,” but rather because the scientist who discovered them proclaimed them to be “stupid and terrible” reptiles. Evidence of this bitter attitude can be seen in some preliminary (but ultimately rejected) dinosaur names: Worstocerotops, Tyrannosaurus Sucks, and Diplodocus.

The park was also home to the world's greatest animal.

Pictured above: My namesake, the rhinoceros (a.k.a. The Black Rhino, The 'Noceros B.I.G., Rhino Biggie Smalls). MYTH: The woolly rhinoceros. FACT: Rhinoceri are so awesome, their myths are facts.

That's enough for now. I've got a screenplay to work on (Giraffe-mageddon III: Mud-bath Bloodbath).

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