Sunday, April 1, 2012

Pre-Championship Analysis

So, KU will be playing the NCAA championship game this year. Since medical school has taken priority over most of my life, I have unfortunately been out of the loop. But to help me get caught up, and to aid other KU graduates who have not been following basketball this season, I've listed some facts about KU and UK before the big game.

University of Kansas

History: The university's own James "Iron Mustache" Naismith invented basketball, as well as the phrases "big-time ballin'," "basketbizzle," and "thug lyfe." He was the inspiration behind 2pac's famous hit Peach Basket Gangsta.

Coach: KU coach William "Billy" Self started his first head coach job at Oral Roberts University in 1993, turning down an offer from the more prestigious Nasal Roberts University (1992 Body Cavity League Champions). He now coaches for the University of Kansas, where he continues his ritual of eating an entire basketball before every game.

Players: This is considered a "rebuilding" year for KU, which is when the cryogenic cloning chambers that construct new basketball players must be hosed down and re-calibrated for the coming year. The current players are sown together out of the spare body parts left over, which explains why Thomas "Clone-hands" Robinson is able to detach his arms during more complicated plays.

University of Kentucky

History: The University of Kentucky legendary coach Adolph "Dolph Rupp-gren" Rupp invented swearing at players as an effective motivational tool. Before then, basketball coaches would simply recite elaborate sonnets during time-outs to ease the more winded players who may have contracted "the vapors" during play.

Coach: John "Nazi-Killer" Calipari once called a journalist a "Mexican idiot," leading to a $25,000 fine from the NBA. Additionally, as a personal apology to the fans and to prove he was not racist, he also traveled back in time and killed Hitler. This unfortunately created an alternate timeline where Missouri entered the Final Four, demonstrating to the world the true cost of interfering with the space-time continuum.

Players: The Kentucky players are famously unkillable, as they entered a dark pact to create 7 horcruxes within NCAA basketball memorabilia to gain invincibility. But after six of them have been destroyed, no more could be found, and the UK team has begun to fear that they will soon be defeated. Jeff Withey, KU center, now understands why he has felt strangely powerful this season, and he knows what must be done.

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