Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas 2011: My Brother vs. Elephant Seal

Christmas is a time to reflect on the important things in life. Naturally, on Christmas morning, my family gathered around the dining table while my little brother (now a grown man) argued that he could kill an elephant seal with his bare hands. Here is a summary of his (actual) talking points:

1) Running
According to my brother, elephant seals have a "maximum land speed of 5 miles/hour." He recommends sprinting away and having it chase you to tire it out before engaging it in combat. I applaud the fact that his first move in a fight is to run away.

2) Poor turning radius
Run in a circle around the seal, then brace yourself behind it. Because of its "poor turning radius," (said with the passion of someone who had personally measured it) it will be unable to attack. This would be the perfect time to trash-talk the seal, i.e. "Hey, elephant seal! Yo momma so fat she easily survived the winter with a adequate insulation of blubber!" [there may be some translation error]

3) Poke eyes
My brother then instructs to poke out its eyes from behind. Much like hurricanes and small children, the elephant seals' eyes are its weakest point.

4) Speed over power
He argues that while the seal is more powerful, he is faster. He makes an analogy to Dragonball Z, but since my Nerd Licence expired back in 2006, I didn't quite understand what this had to do with him poking a seal in the eye with his fingers.

5) Confounding factors
My brother grants that, in a cage match, the elephant seal is likely to win due to the confined space.

All of this took place over the course of half an hour. On Christmas.

My response: "Here's why you would lose to an elephant seal: Oh, no! It's too late! It's already killed you."

My mom's response: "This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard."


  1. For the record: I didn't say what Sai said Mom said. I said, "I run on the elliptical about 5 miles an hour and I have a poor turning radius; I am an elephant seal!"

  2. For the record: that was not the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Remember that I work for the legislature?!