Monday, August 8, 2011

Rejected (again) by McSweeney's

Remember when I became super famous for getting publishing in an obscure, pretentious literary journal? Well, I sent in the highest quality essay to their editor(s), and this was the reply I got.

Pictured above: Oh, yeah? Maybe YOUR FACE never takes off, laughs-wise. Good one. Actually, this was actually a helpful and very kind message to send me. Jerk.

Anyway, I need to hunker down and write some real words. Hilarious words. Words that get published. Time to get down to business.

Pictured above: Aw, yeah. Got myself a Task Chair. Now I just need to find one to sit in while I assemble it.

So, what should I do? Here are some actual titles and excerpts of other pieces I am working on. Let me know what piques your interest. (Note: These are still pretty rough.)

Great Moments in Science In Restaurants

Excerpt: "July 23, 1854. Charles Schrodinger orders his burger well done, then changes his mind and asks for it rare. The waiter brings him a turkey sandwich instead, which he feeds to his cat."

Which Heart Valve are you? Take our quiz to find out!

Excerpt: "Answer C. You are the aortic valve! You are quiet, calm, and have a low resistance to intraventricular pressure. You prefer a small group of close friends, talking in coffee-shops, and having sensitive baro-receptors to regulate blood pressure."

Dating Tips for Scientists

Excerpt: "Be sure to keep a control date on the side during all dating encounters."

Real Fake Diseases

Excerpt: "Senioritis, or the the inflammation of the senior, is typically accompanied by mild encephalitis and, in rare cases, acute coolness. This swelling of the brain causes headaches, and, you know, whatever."

4 comments:

  1. dating tips for scientists probably takes off better, laughs wise, than evidence-based witch burning.

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  2. Dating tips for scientists for sure.

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  3. I laughed so hard at your rejection that I got a note on my door.

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  4. The "Real Fake Diseases" concept sounds eerily similar to a list of jokes my Swedish grandmother has over her guest toilet. Those jokes, which may or may not be cross-stitched and framed, include things like: "Varicose veins: Veins that are very close together," "Urine: Opposite of you're out," "Dilate: To die after your time," and "Artery: The study of fine paintings."

    So, maybe if the site was called Magnusson's Internet Tendency, it might have some residual nostalgia for his/her/their Swedish grandmothers' bathrooms.

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