Monday, August 8, 2011

Rejected (again) by McSweeney's

Remember when I became super famous for getting publishing in an obscure, pretentious literary journal? Well, I sent in the highest quality essay to their editor(s), and this was the reply I got.

Pictured above: Oh, yeah? Maybe YOUR FACE never takes off, laughs-wise. Good one. Actually, this was actually a helpful and very kind message to send me. Jerk.

Anyway, I need to hunker down and write some real words. Hilarious words. Words that get published. Time to get down to business.

Pictured above: Aw, yeah. Got myself a Task Chair. Now I just need to find one to sit in while I assemble it.

So, what should I do? Here are some actual titles and excerpts of other pieces I am working on. Let me know what piques your interest. (Note: These are still pretty rough.)

Great Moments in Science In Restaurants

Excerpt: "July 23, 1854. Charles Schrodinger orders his burger well done, then changes his mind and asks for it rare. The waiter brings him a turkey sandwich instead, which he feeds to his cat."

Which Heart Valve are you? Take our quiz to find out!

Excerpt: "Answer C. You are the aortic valve! You are quiet, calm, and have a low resistance to intraventricular pressure. You prefer a small group of close friends, talking in coffee-shops, and having sensitive baro-receptors to regulate blood pressure."

Dating Tips for Scientists

Excerpt: "Be sure to keep a control date on the side during all dating encounters."

Real Fake Diseases

Excerpt: "Senioritis, or the the inflammation of the senior, is typically accompanied by mild encephalitis and, in rare cases, acute coolness. This swelling of the brain causes headaches, and, you know, whatever."


  1. dating tips for scientists probably takes off better, laughs wise, than evidence-based witch burning.

  2. Dating tips for scientists for sure.

  3. I laughed so hard at your rejection that I got a note on my door.

  4. The "Real Fake Diseases" concept sounds eerily similar to a list of jokes my Swedish grandmother has over her guest toilet. Those jokes, which may or may not be cross-stitched and framed, include things like: "Varicose veins: Veins that are very close together," "Urine: Opposite of you're out," "Dilate: To die after your time," and "Artery: The study of fine paintings."

    So, maybe if the site was called Magnusson's Internet Tendency, it might have some residual nostalgia for his/her/their Swedish grandmothers' bathrooms.