Halloween Costumes

Halloween is a great holiday. It's not just the decorative squashes, it's the insinuating that your sister-in-law has tentacles that makes it so great. But did you know that people also wear costumes? I still haven't figured out what I'm going to be yet, but here are some of my ideas:

1. The Confused Horse Group Costume

In this costume, I'd have to coordinate with a friend to both go as the back-end of a two-person horse costume. Then, while at the party, I'll get upset when someone asks and blame the other person for buying "the wrong half".

2. The Guy Doing Laundry

I won't shave for a few days, mess up my hair, and carry around a bag filled with my laundry. Then I'll make awkward small-talk with everyone.

3. The Ghost of Sai

I'll wear a big sheet over my head, and then put on some glasses and a necktie on top of it.

4. The Occupy Halloween

I'll dress like a protester carrying a sign that says "The top 1% control 99% of the world's candy!"

5. The Medical Student Terror

I won't wear a costume. When someone asks why I'm not wearing a costume, I'll ask them why they aren't studying.

The Hospital Bill

So, I finally received the bill for my short stint in the emergency room last month. Although the total bill was $1,635.57, I only had to pay $469.73. For those unfamiliar with the healthcare-industrial complex, here is the full, itemized breakdown of that payment:

100.00 - Co-pay
20.00 - Co-pay co-pay
30.00 - Sassy nurse subcharge
20.00 - Handsome doctor fee
120.00 - Haircut for handsome doctor
40.00 - Resident listening to sob story
45.00 - Resident replacing "in usual state of health" with "idiot" on chart
45.00 - Attending yelling at an intern for some reason
17.00 - Intern crying in supply closet
32.00 - New supply closet lock
00.30 - Stitches
00.15 - Guaze
00.15 - Neosporin
00.13 - Pennies discovered stolen from "take-a-penny-leave-a-penny-tray" at Starbucks

TOTAL= $469.73

And that's why healthcare reform is ruining America.

Honey-betes and a Million Dollars

This weekend, I went to the Meli Cafe, a honey-themed brunch restaurant. "Meli" is, of course, the Greek word for honey. It can be found in such words as diabetes mellitus, mellitology (study of bees), and Weezy. However, for some reason, my preceptor still tells me that I shouldn't tell the patients that they "have honey-betes."

Pictured above: Along with a mountain of pancakes, they serve a small vial filled with honey and a butter infused with honey. Also, every hour a bell rings, and the wait-staff all take a shot of honey so they, too, are infused with honey.

But my favorite part of the restraurant was its sign-board outside.

Pictured above: I guess last week's Belligerent Borscht wasn't a big seller.

Also, it's a good friend's birthday today, so I gave him the world's greatest gift. Money.

Pictured above: "What did you get him? Oh, that's nice. Know what I got him? A MILLION DOLLARS."

Speed Dating 4: Medical School Edition

So, my medical school put on a speed-dating event last Thursday. As I had gone a long time without diving into a huge pile of loneliness, I gave it a shot.

Pictured above: For this particular lonely event, we were all given numbers to rank our relative attractiveness. I was number 45. There was no number 46.

What was it like speed-dating with medical school classmates? Well, my unrelenting optimism apparently comes thrashing out when confined in a small space with a girl, which does not always go down well with a stress-out medical student. So here are some phrases I learned I must avoid:

"Living in Chicago is easy!"*

"Medical school is easy!"*

"Second year is easy!"*

"Studying is easy!"*

"You look easy!"**

*actually said by me
**implied by me

Pictured above: I began the evening by myself at dating-station "L." There weren't enough ladies at the event, so I started with a bye match. I ate a Butterfinger candy bar alone for five minutes and now imagine this scene every time someone asks me, "How's dating going?"

Unfortunately, the ladies of medical school were all quite lovely (and all capable of finding this blog), so they shall not be the source of any jest. I am not aware of my results yet, but here's hoping that I tricked at least one of them into accidentally confusing my number with the one of the handsome man that went after me.

You know what? I deserve some kind of reward for going to so many speed-dating events. Something very manly, but also strangely depressing.

Pictured above: A set of men's colognes designed to look like a cigar box? That works.

Ball Sandwich and an Entire Sleeve of Crescent Rolls

It's the weekend before the first exam of the second year of medical school, so you can imagine that I am making the appropriate preparations. Just this Friday, I participated in the medical school Society Olympics, which is my favorite event blending arbitrary tribalism and complementary sandwiches.

The best event was one of the relay races called the "Ball Sandwich." Now, that may SOUND vaguely homo-erotic, but let me put you at ease. It was just two sweaty, muscular men linking arms and holding hands back-to-back, skipping together with a kickball wedged between them. And if that still makes you uncomfortable, you can also call it a "Man Sandwich."

Pictured above: A blurry ball sandwich. Please don't Google "blurry ball sandwich".

Well, time to get back to studying. And what powerful carbohydrate have I chosen to fuel my brain engine? Why, not an entire sleeve of cinnamon rolls, but rather an entire sleeve of crescent rolls!

Pictured above: This is not a sleeve of crescent rolls. This is half a sleeve. Multiply this by two, and you will understand both my study style and the reason I live alone.

Bloggin' Your Way to a Thinner You!

Last Friday, I had the amazing opportunity to give a guest lecture on blogging to a "Writing in the Technological Age" course at the University of Illinois-Chicago*. After the laser-show and the stunning introduction by my hype man, I entered the classroom and pummeled them with wisdom. Here is a small** excerpt.

*factual
**fictional

"Are you frustrated with your lives? Can't seem to find what you are looking for? You're right! There is something wrong with you. And I am the only person who can help you help yourself. With blogging.

With my patented 44-step blogging system, I can teach you how to blog yourself into real blogging shape. Here's my first tip: go on a blogging diet. Eat only foods featured on your blog.

Pictured above: It's got a TOMATO. It's HEALTHY.

But don't blogging stop there! Inspire others with your blogdom and blogography.

Pictured above: You know what this flight of pancakes makes me want to eat? A healthy fruit snack.

Once you've blogged into the blogosphere, you can blog your blog into full blogness by blogging about other blogs. For example, you could blog about how amazing my blog, The Sartorial Skeptic, is. Be sure to include many, many links. And hyperlinks. http://sartorialskeptic.blogspot.com/

I've really enjoyed my time live-blogging with you (that's what I call talking), and feel free to blog about this blog-lecture. Just be sure to blog about my blog! Blog ME? No, blog YOU. Happy blogging!"

Stand-Up Comedy Personas

So, every year my medical school puts on a comedy/variety show for charity, and this year I'm thinking about doing a stand-up routine. Since I've spent this past year trying desperately to be funny on the internet, I think I should try to be desperately funny on stage.

I've never done this kind of thing before, so I'm going to need to craft my "on-stage" persona. Here are my options:

[Note: my actual jokes will be better than these. Well, I hope they will be.]

The Seinfeld

High-pitched voice and lots of complaining.

"What's the deal with white coats? I think instead of long-coats for doctors and short-coats for medical students, we should have a spectrum of lengths. You start your first year in a white halter-top and end medical school with a white cape."

The Louis C.K.

Get it? The joke is that my life is sad.

"So, I've started online dating, because nothing helps you get back into the dating game like eating a bag of chips in front of the computer while clicking on pictures of girls on the internet."

The Chris Rock

Well, except with Japanese stuff.

"Any Japanese people here tonight...? Why aren't you studying!?"

The John Hodgman

Let me teach you some nonsense.

"Kansas's state slogan is 'Kansas: As Big As You Think!' I know, that sounds pretty bad, but it was better than its previous slogan 'Kansas: Now without slaves!'"

The Demetri Martin

Short and strange.

"I really like wearing bow ties. They send a very clear message. And that message is, 'Hey, I don't have a girlfriend.'