Stand-Up Comedy Personas

So, every year my medical school puts on a comedy/variety show for charity, and this year I'm thinking about doing a stand-up routine. Since I've spent this past year trying desperately to be funny on the internet, I think I should try to be desperately funny on stage.

I've never done this kind of thing before, so I'm going to need to craft my "on-stage" persona. Here are my options:

[Note: my actual jokes will be better than these. Well, I hope they will be.]

The Seinfeld

High-pitched voice and lots of complaining.

"What's the deal with white coats? I think instead of long-coats for doctors and short-coats for medical students, we should have a spectrum of lengths. You start your first year in a white halter-top and end medical school with a white cape."

The Louis C.K.

Get it? The joke is that my life is sad.

"So, I've started online dating, because nothing helps you get back into the dating game like eating a bag of chips in front of the computer while clicking on pictures of girls on the internet."

The Chris Rock

Well, except with Japanese stuff.

"Any Japanese people here tonight...? Why aren't you studying!?"

The John Hodgman

Let me teach you some nonsense.

"Kansas's state slogan is 'Kansas: As Big As You Think!' I know, that sounds pretty bad, but it was better than its previous slogan 'Kansas: Now without slaves!'"

The Demetri Martin

Short and strange.

"I really like wearing bow ties. They send a very clear message. And that message is, 'Hey, I don't have a girlfriend.'

Rejected (again) by McSweeney's

Remember when I became super famous for getting publishing in an obscure, pretentious literary journal? Well, I sent in the highest quality essay to their editor(s), and this was the reply I got.

Pictured above: Oh, yeah? Maybe YOUR FACE never takes off, laughs-wise. Good one. Actually, this was actually a helpful and very kind message to send me. Jerk.

Anyway, I need to hunker down and write some real words. Hilarious words. Words that get published. Time to get down to business.

Pictured above: Aw, yeah. Got myself a Task Chair. Now I just need to find one to sit in while I assemble it.

So, what should I do? Here are some actual titles and excerpts of other pieces I am working on. Let me know what piques your interest. (Note: These are still pretty rough.)

Great Moments in Science In Restaurants

Excerpt: "July 23, 1854. Charles Schrodinger orders his burger well done, then changes his mind and asks for it rare. The waiter brings him a turkey sandwich instead, which he feeds to his cat."

Which Heart Valve are you? Take our quiz to find out!

Excerpt: "Answer C. You are the aortic valve! You are quiet, calm, and have a low resistance to intraventricular pressure. You prefer a small group of close friends, talking in coffee-shops, and having sensitive baro-receptors to regulate blood pressure."

Dating Tips for Scientists

Excerpt: "Be sure to keep a control date on the side during all dating encounters."

Real Fake Diseases

Excerpt: "Senioritis, or the the inflammation of the senior, is typically accompanied by mild encephalitis and, in rare cases, acute coolness. This swelling of the brain causes headaches, and, you know, whatever."