Rejected (again) by McSweeney's

Remember when I became super famous for getting publishing in an obscure, pretentious literary journal? Well, I sent in the highest quality essay to their editor(s), and this was the reply I got.

Pictured above: Oh, yeah? Maybe YOUR FACE never takes off, laughs-wise. Good one. Actually, this was actually a helpful and very kind message to send me. Jerk.

Anyway, I need to hunker down and write some real words. Hilarious words. Words that get published. Time to get down to business.

Pictured above: Aw, yeah. Got myself a Task Chair. Now I just need to find one to sit in while I assemble it.

So, what should I do? Here are some actual titles and excerpts of other pieces I am working on. Let me know what piques your interest. (Note: These are still pretty rough.)

Great Moments in Science In Restaurants

Excerpt: "July 23, 1854. Charles Schrodinger orders his burger well done, then changes his mind and asks for it rare. The waiter brings him a turkey sandwich instead, which he feeds to his cat."

Which Heart Valve are you? Take our quiz to find out!

Excerpt: "Answer C. You are the aortic valve! You are quiet, calm, and have a low resistance to intraventricular pressure. You prefer a small group of close friends, talking in coffee-shops, and having sensitive baro-receptors to regulate blood pressure."

Dating Tips for Scientists

Excerpt: "Be sure to keep a control date on the side during all dating encounters."

Real Fake Diseases

Excerpt: "Senioritis, or the the inflammation of the senior, is typically accompanied by mild encephalitis and, in rare cases, acute coolness. This swelling of the brain causes headaches, and, you know, whatever."

(Failed) Speed Dating

For the most part, I write blog entries describing my medical school triumphs and sartorial eccentricities. But when something momentous occurs in my life, I will gladly share it with the internet. A personal dream of mine was fulfilled this week as I participated in my first-ever speed dating experience. I, and other medical student men, went on 4-minute dates with the lovely ladies of the nearby law school. We were given forms to fill out to indicate which men/women we found suitable. This may be a challenge to most men in my position, but I was prepared.

Pictured above: Just throw on your tuxedo jacket and let the peak lapels do the talking.

Actually, I arrived more casually, as to not frighten these kind women too early with the true nature of my metrosexuality. I wore a necktie and a v-neck sweater, which is the first step in my personal seduction system.

Step 1: Look like Mr. Rogers.
Step 2: Explain why you look like a grandpa.
Step 3: Apologize for spilling your drink.
Step 4: Go home alone.
[Note, the Sai Seduction System is still in its beta phase of field-testing]

Pictured above: Only deploy a velvet vest in emergency dating situations.

So, I ended up talking to nearly 15 different ladies from the law school. They were all quite sweet, but the awkwardness of the situation expanded as the night wore on, like some sort of awkward souffle. My conservations typically went like this:

ME: Place of origin?
GIRL: Place of origin.
ME: Joke about place of origin!
GIRL: Do not understand. Hobbies?
ME: List of hobbies plus joke hobby.
GIRL: Joking?
ME: Joking.
GIRL: Silence.
ME: Words.
[Time up!]

And after all the smalltalk could not be spoken any smaller, the male medical students parted ways with the female law students. While in the medical post-date huddle, I discovered that some of the men had chosen an interesting strategy. Many had responded "yes" to nearly every date. This gave me a great idea.

Now, I'm sure there were a few ladies who implemented a similar plan. Therefore, this is great opportunity for me to launch my bold new company Sai's Speed-Speed-Dating, where I will just give the emails of all the singles to each other (for a small fee) as soon as they sign up, without having to go through the trouble of "meeting" each other! Slogan: "Where love and sadness meet!"

Pictured above: With my adventure over, all I have to do is sit back, relax, eat my poppyseed-apple-eggnog pancakes, and let the results of the speed dating roll into my email inbox.

And they just came in! No matches. Well, I was planning on crying alone in my apartment tonight anyway, so that simplifies my plans for the evening. Hooray!