Review of Neuroanatomy

Meninges

The brain is encased in several fluid filled sacs which keep it from escaping by leaping out of your skull. These are the pia mater (gives it the silky, fresh sheen of a young brain), the arachnoid mater (hatchery for your brain-spiders), and the dura mater (your brain's hat).

Somatomotor Cortex

At the pre-central gyrus, the somatormotor cortex controls your muscle movement. It is often nicknamed the "humunculus" after the small man that lives there and controls your movements via a series of levers and buttons. This term is antiquated and racist, and these men prefer the term "Humunculed-Americans".

Babinski Reflex

Named after the famous physician and foot-enthusiast Joseph Jules Felix "The Babinskinator" Babinski, it is a test to localize a motor deficit lesion. It is performed by stabbing the patient in the foot with a stick and observing carefully. If the patient yells "Upper motor lesion, you f&#$%#@!" then the lesion is probably in the cortiospinal tract. If the patient yells "Lower motor lesion, you f#$%#$%&!" then the patient is faking it and deserves to be stabbed again.

Basal Ganglia

The basal ganglia are a complicated set of inhibitory and excitatory signals that regulate our movement. To help understand this, I've created this helpful figure:

Pictured above: Basal ganglia (simplified)

Test Questions

So, we just had our big exam over the Ob/Gyn and GI units, and there were some really hard questions. I thought I should share some with you.

1. Professor McGonagall is pregnant, and Harry Potter must help deliver the baby. What should he do?

A. "Expelliarmus fetus!"
B. "Abruptio Placenta!"
C. Have Hermione perform an emergency, magical C-section
D. Pull Gryffindor's speculum from the Sorting Hat

2. Which is NOT a significant risk factor for an ectopic pregnancy?

A. Talking at the movies
B. 2 (two) first-degree relatives with blonde highlights
C. Using the word "irregardless"
D. Putting your fingers up to your mouth when it is cold outside and pretending to smoke

4. Which is NOT a side-effect of oral-contraceptive use?

A. X-ray vision
B. Animal telepathy
C. Heart-doubling
D. Superuterus

5. A 23-year-old male presents with frequent, non-bloody diarrhea after a recent trip to Latin America. Which of these questions would be most important to ask?

A. "How was your trip?"
B. "What did you bring me?"
C. "Hey, I don't know what your wife is talking about. I was just fixing your shower."
D. "Maybe if you just TALKED to Jan, she would rethink the divorce."
E. "No, YOU need to calm down!"

6. Which P450 enzyme is the best?

A. CYP3A4
B. CYP2D6
C. CYP2C19
D. CYP2E1
E. Oh, I can't decide. I love them all!

3. Your patient is an elderly man complaining of severe RUQ pain. Several lacerations are apparent on the skin overlying his abdomen, and both wrists and ankles are in shackles. His HST and HLT levels are elevated, as well as his unconjugated bilirubin. His power of attorney is a large eagle that is menacingly pacing around the room. What would be the most appropriate next step?

A. Liver biopsy
B. Endoscopy
C. Ultrasound
D. Your patient is Prometheus and is being deservedly punished for his transgressions against Zeus. Return him to the mountain.

Insight into Madness

This past week, I gave a three-minute speech to my medical school class about futility in medicine, Greek mythology, and Camus. Although it went well(?), I realized that my notes for the talk appeared to be the handiwork of a madman.

Pictured above: My actual notes. NOT a threatening letter from a serial killer.

USMLE Tips

Hello, faithful readers. Some of you may remember me as the Dating Expert for the world's greatest marginal medical school newsletter The Beat. However, since my last column, my license to practice dating has been revoked by the Illinois Board of Romance and Firearms. But you are in luck! As my fellow second-year students can attest, trivial distractions like dating have given way to the more pressing soul-crushing collapse of our sanity in preparation for the USMLE Step 1 exam. To help my classmates prepare for this test, and as part of my court-ordered community service, I have compiled a set of study tips that are guaranteed to either raise or lower your Step 1 score.

So, when should you start studying? Here is some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is a large window to begin studying that can accommodate nearly everyone. The bad news is that is has already passed and you are behind. But there is no need to worry; here is an easy trick to estimate your score and put your mind at ease. For every day you aren't studying for boards, just subtract 1 from your total score. Think about that every single morning you wake up, and your stress will just melt away, just like your medical career!

So, now that you've already been studying for a few months, you are probably interested in some practice tests. How many USMLE exams have you taken? Well, that's not enough. I recommend finding some past exams, but not just the ones in the past few years. The really helpful stuff is in the past few centuries; that's where they really start recycling old questions for boards. The hard part is just translating the Old English, or “Olde Englische”. For example, in an 19th century medical exam entitled A Pamphlette Medicalle Boarding Write-About, “A 17-year-old woman with tuberculosis and portal hypertension” is written as “The consumptive maid was in hysterics over her liver dropsy.” Similarly, in the medieval Witch-Burning and other Plague Cures, what we would call “A man with poor hygiene, multiple boils and blisters, and likely infected with Yersinia Pestis” is simply described as “A man.”

It's fairly well known that one of our weakest areas is gross anatomy It's been almost a year since we've been in the cadaver lab, so it's understandable if you cannot remember what stringy parts connect the slippery bulbs in our torsos. Unfortunately, the selfish first-years are currently monopolizing the cadavers, so I recommend a simple solution to get more anatomy practice: find a first-year that looks like you, hold them hostage, build an elaborate disguise, and go to the labs in their stead (Helpful hint! Choose one the same gender as you.).

Another subject that many students struggle with is the mental health portion of the exam. Often overlooked by students studying for boards, it is essential for a high grade. Just remember, every psychological condition can be analyzed under the unshakeable foundation of Freudian psychology. Some may question its lack of plausibility, predictive value, or scientific relevancy in a time in medicine when we place value in “facts”, but, after a thorough review of the literature on the subject, I can confidently say that there is plenty of penis to use it.

Finally, if none of that works, you always have cheating. Cheating is what separates the good doctors from the great doctors. While good doctors are limited by so-called “honesty,” great doctors are only limited by their own imaginations and a flexible legal system. Don't you want to be that famous doctor who is the classic triple-threat, capable of cheating on his patient records, his taxes, and his wife?

So, good luck, class! With my help, we'll have the highest board scores yet! Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go feed the first-year I have locked in my closest.

Speed Dating 4: Medical School Edition

So, my medical school put on a speed-dating event last Thursday. As I had gone a long time without diving into a huge pile of loneliness, I gave it a shot.

Pictured above: For this particular lonely event, we were all given numbers to rank our relative attractiveness. I was number 45. There was no number 46.

What was it like speed-dating with medical school classmates? Well, my unrelenting optimism apparently comes thrashing out when confined in a small space with a girl, which does not always go down well with a stress-out medical student. So here are some phrases I learned I must avoid:

"Living in Chicago is easy!"*

"Medical school is easy!"*

"Second year is easy!"*

"Studying is easy!"*

"You look easy!"**

*actually said by me
**implied by me

Pictured above: I began the evening by myself at dating-station "L." There weren't enough ladies at the event, so I started with a bye match. I ate a Butterfinger candy bar alone for five minutes and now imagine this scene every time someone asks me, "How's dating going?"

Unfortunately, the ladies of medical school were all quite lovely (and all capable of finding this blog), so they shall not be the source of any jest. I am not aware of my results yet, but here's hoping that I tricked at least one of them into accidentally confusing my number with the one of the handsome man that went after me.

You know what? I deserve some kind of reward for going to so many speed-dating events. Something very manly, but also strangely depressing.

Pictured above: A set of men's colognes designed to look like a cigar box? That works.

Ball Sandwich and an Entire Sleeve of Crescent Rolls

It's the weekend before the first exam of the second year of medical school, so you can imagine that I am making the appropriate preparations. Just this Friday, I participated in the medical school Society Olympics, which is my favorite event blending arbitrary tribalism and complementary sandwiches.

The best event was one of the relay races called the "Ball Sandwich." Now, that may SOUND vaguely homo-erotic, but let me put you at ease. It was just two sweaty, muscular men linking arms and holding hands back-to-back, skipping together with a kickball wedged between them. And if that still makes you uncomfortable, you can also call it a "Man Sandwich."

Pictured above: A blurry ball sandwich. Please don't Google "blurry ball sandwich".

Well, time to get back to studying. And what powerful carbohydrate have I chosen to fuel my brain engine? Why, not an entire sleeve of cinnamon rolls, but rather an entire sleeve of crescent rolls!

Pictured above: This is not a sleeve of crescent rolls. This is half a sleeve. Multiply this by two, and you will understand both my study style and the reason I live alone.

Stand-Up Comedy Personas

So, every year my medical school puts on a comedy/variety show for charity, and this year I'm thinking about doing a stand-up routine. Since I've spent this past year trying desperately to be funny on the internet, I think I should try to be desperately funny on stage.

I've never done this kind of thing before, so I'm going to need to craft my "on-stage" persona. Here are my options:

[Note: my actual jokes will be better than these. Well, I hope they will be.]

The Seinfeld

High-pitched voice and lots of complaining.

"What's the deal with white coats? I think instead of long-coats for doctors and short-coats for medical students, we should have a spectrum of lengths. You start your first year in a white halter-top and end medical school with a white cape."

The Louis C.K.

Get it? The joke is that my life is sad.

"So, I've started online dating, because nothing helps you get back into the dating game like eating a bag of chips in front of the computer while clicking on pictures of girls on the internet."

The Chris Rock

Well, except with Japanese stuff.

"Any Japanese people here tonight...? Why aren't you studying!?"

The John Hodgman

Let me teach you some nonsense.

"Kansas's state slogan is 'Kansas: As Big As You Think!' I know, that sounds pretty bad, but it was better than its previous slogan 'Kansas: Now without slaves!'"

The Demetri Martin

Short and strange.

"I really like wearing bow ties. They send a very clear message. And that message is, 'Hey, I don't have a girlfriend.'

Neuro Study Tips

As we approach the last exam of our first year of medical school, I thought it would be appropriate to share some helpful tips in my repertoire as a neurobiology major in college.

Tip #1: The Soul

While Descartes thought the seat of the soul was in the pineal gland, modern scientists have discovered that "soul" resides in the Soul and Pre-Soul Areas in the parietal lobes of rhesus monkeys. When stimulated by an electrode and "Get Up Off of That Thing" by James Brown, the primates demonstrate the phenomenon known as "Hot Pants."

Tip #2: Freud

We are all familiar with Freud's concept of the Id, Superego, and Ego, but did you know that Freud discovered even more complex divisions of the human psyche? For instance, he was the first to describe the Uber-ego, which is every human's drive to become a psychological icon despite the lack of any evidence to support their theories, and the Unter-id, which is the uncontrollable emotion evoked when forced to learn about a pre-scientific concept in a post-graduate education.

Tip #3: Tracts

There are many spinal and brain tracts, carrying all sorts of afferent and efferent information. Their names all sound about the same, have crazy acronyms, and synapse onto a huge range of complex nuclei. But here is an easy way to remember them! ...well, uh, nevermind. I can't think of anything. You are probably just going to have to get these questions wrong. Hmmm...rubrospinal tract? That's something, right?

Tip #4: Performance-enhancing drugs

We learned that boosting NMDA receptors can improve memory, so this is the perfect time to apply our knowledge! I, myself, have been injecting myself with experimental retroviruses carrying several different species-worth of genetically altered NMDA receptors. I can feel myself remembering things better, but there are some weird side-effkjlag;iubaeiaenrgaeigbareg12421323234.

Tip #5: Giving up/Taking One for the Team

Let's face it, this is the last exam of the year. You are probably excited about your upcoming summer trip to Africa/South America/Rural Alabama and your upcoming malaria medication/typhoid vaccine/racism vaccine. You know what, you deserve a break. Kick back, relax, and drive down that average score for the rest of us. You/We deserve it.

That's it! Good luck, and keep on "studying"!

Pictured above: "Studying," or rearranging the ties in my closet.

PEX Tips

Since we have a Physical-Exam (PEX) skills test this week, I decided to provide a list of some helpful tips for my fellow medical students.

Tip #1: Building Trust

Doctors can be very intimidating while conducting a physical exam. Therefore, here is a way to lighten the mood. Walk into the patient's room wearing nothing but a hospital gown and carrying a doctor's white coat. Then, when you see the patient, pause, and say, "Ooh, that makes much more sense. I'll be right back."

Tip #2: Hearing test

When testing the patient's ability to hear, we were taught to whisper wholesome words into their ears, like "baseball, "apple pie," or "buy war bonds." However, these do not challenge the patient's auditory comprehension very accurately, so here are some more useful phrases to whisper:

"Nice ears"
"You're lookin' good in that gown"
"[chorus from "Drop It Like It's Hot"]"

Tip #3: Fundoscopic exam

While it is considered appropriate to dim the lights for use of the opthalmoscope, it is NOT considered appropriate to turn on Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On."

Tip #4: Complete Neurological Test

We are taught to examine simple muscular reflexes and the general mental status of our patient, but we unfortunately do not test for more complex neurological elements. Here is one example of a more advanced neurological test. During the Romberg test, have your patient stand with their feet together and then close their eyes. Then, shove them hard in their chest and watch them fall to the ground. This test has a 98% sensitivity for the patient's ability to feel "betrayal."

Tip #5: Ending the Exam

Make sure you didn't forget any part of the exam! Most beginning students forget to perform the important "Hot or Not" Test, which many physicians contend is a useful predictor for both illicit relations and heart disease.

All Your Medical School Dating Questions, Answered

[Below is a dating advice column I wrote for the Northwestern newsletter The Beat. The editors would like for me to re-affirm that the opinions found in The Beat are of the writers themselves and do not reflect upon those of the editors.]

As the resident Dating Expert for The Beat, I am well qualified to answer questions of romance. But despite this obvious superiority, few of my fellow students have actually approached me for advice. Thus, for your benefit, I have provided the answers to what I assume are frequent problems for my peers.

Q: I have been having a hard time balancing medical school and my relationship with my significant other. They keep telling me me that I should spend more time with them and not study so much. What should I do?

First of all, you are not studying enough. Clearly, you have an excess of free time, wasting it having useless “conversations” about “spending more time” with your partner. Instead of “talking” with your partner, you should really focus get back to memorizing the branches off the subclavian artery.

But this doesn't mean that you have choose either medicine and love. You can do both! The next time you go out to a fancy dinner, take turns reading excerpts from Grant's Dissector in a sexy voice. Bonus points if you can cut apart your steak with a scalpel and tweezers.

Q: I have been having trouble meeting new people in medical school. Sure, I know my classmates, but how do I date someone not in my class?

People not in medical school (so called “real people”) are a tricky bunch to date. Most of them have paying jobs, clear responsibilities, and a natural maturity that makes them unable to identify with the typically disheveled, disorganized shell of a person that medical school creates.

But there is good news! You can always employ deception! Lie about having a normal job with normal hours, and be sure to go on dates in locations far from your apartment or the medical school. Buy plenty of disposal cell phones and re-route your IP address in order to keep up the mystery. Then, when your significant other demands to know the truth, you can divert the lie by making an even bigger one: that you are married and having an affair. This is more likely to work successfully than actually admitting you have massive debt and a fascination with cutting apart cadavers.

Q: I'm really not that into dating right now. I'm so busy studying for medical school, I just don't think I have time to date. Why should I even bother?

The answer, of course, is evolution. We are much like our mammalian brothers and sisters; we live in groups defined by the interactions of the sexes and look for joy in forming meaningful relationships with others. If you want to achieve a successful career in medicine, you can't just get good grades. You have to become a social silverback, spreading your genes through fear and intimidation.

First, you need to find yourself a mate. If you are a female, prepare to date like a bird. Observe the males from afar and make judgments based on their upper-body strength and plume coloration. Take note of their elaborate mating rituals and dances; percent hip-movement at a dance club is an excellent correlate to fertility. And, if you are lucky, you can even make them duel for a chance to mate with you.

If you are a male, prepare to date like an elephant seal. Since you are reading this dating advice column, I will assume that you already have some experience tricking women into dating you. Therefore, you will benefit by playing the numbers. Gather together a harem of women and keep them around by providing plenty of shelter and herring. If another male approaches, ward him off with loud bleating and barking. If a polar bear attacks, head for the water.

Q: I find your column offensive. It reinforces the stereotypical dichotomy of sexuality, alienating gay and bisexual students in the class. You propagate a culture of insensitivity, ignorance, and ostracization against those of non-heterosexual orientation.

A. Yes, and I also don't trust minorities.

Q: There is this REALLY handsome guy in my class. He has short brownish-black hair and glasses, and he sits at the front of the lecture every day. He always dresses up for class, even when he doesn't have to. I have a severe crush on him, but I am intimidated by his rugged good-looks. What should I do?

What a great question. I assume he is also very fashionable, mysterious, debonaire, and surprisingly muscular. Here's how you get his attention: you and the rest of the ladies in your medical school class should devise a gladiator-style tournament to compete for his love. Preferably, this should be a fight to the death. This man should preside over the competition, judging the winner of this battle royal and declaring himself King over the entire medical school.

Note: This may have just been a malaria-induced fever dream I had last night.

Tales from the Library

Those close to me know that I don't study in the library. It is populated with many of my "classmates," who tend to want to distract with human interactions and conversations upon seeing me. I prefer to study in the homemade sensory deprivation chamber in my apartment, where the audio-notes are continuously pumped in over Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries".

But this weekend, I got this urge to join my peers in this ritualistic practice of learning in the library. I braved the last throes of Chicago winter and entered this temple of books. I wandered upstairs and began to study on one of the many comfortable couches by the windows. But...sometime was wrong.

Pictured above: I took off my glasses to show everyone around me how intense I was studying. Also, it's fun to take off glasses dramatically.

Sure, I was learning the three R's of medical school (Reading, 'Riting, and R'Anatomy), but I found it difficult to concentrate in this corner of the library.

Pictured above: My "vintage laptop", which is just a stack of printed notes. More portable than my peers' conventional laptops and just as wireless.

I found that the excess of natural light and sunny disposition of my classmates was distracting me from my studying. So I ventured down into the catacombs of the library in search of the ideal study spot. Despite the etchings of warnings on the walls, I continued down into its depths. After literally minutes of searching, I finally arrived in the abandoned basement of Galter.

Pictured above: No minotaur, but the mobile shelves can crush a man just as easily.

It was everything I had dreamed of. Exposed pipes and wires. Low ceiling and poor lighting. The sense of impending doom. I had finally found my perfect study sanctuary.

Pictured above: Paradise.

Medical School: Prom

Like I have mentioned many times before, medical school is much like high school. There are the popular kids and nerds. There is gossip and drama. There are dissections of human cadavers in the basement. You know, high school stuff.

And like high school, last night we had our annual prom. It was a chance for all of us medical students to pretend that we were grown-ups enjoying a classy night out on the town. And like true adults, my classmates had two goals for the night: dressing formally and public drunkenness.

Pictured above: As a teetotaler, I could only enjoy the former. Though, to be fair, this was probably for the best. Had I been inebriated, I may have challenged a peer to fisticuffs after I noticed that he was wearing a better tuxedo than me.

Yes, it was the first time I have ever worn a tuxedo. Being dressed-up gave me the chance to re-enact my favorite moments from Mad Men, such as staring intensely into my glass, making sexist remarks with my friends, and not talking about my feelings.

We also enjoyed a three-course meal of salad, salmon, and chocolate cake. Emily Post's rules of men's etiquette flashed before my eyes, and I quickly forgot which was my salad fork and which was my entrée fork. It is times like these that make me glad that I always carry an emergency salad fork in my pocket.

But it wouldn't be be a true prom without some amount of public humiliation. I did, in fact, bust several moves on the dance floor. I disco-ed around to my request of "Stayin' Alive" (The Bee Gee's famous song about how The New York Times is trying to kill you), and I even entered a dance contest to "Billie Jean", which is the number one song for a gangly white guy to dance to.

Pictured above: The aftermath of dancing. Note the unfurled French cuffs and loosened bow tie. Although informal, it did allow me to pretend that I was George Clooney.

Ah, it was a good night. But alas, I must return to studying for medical school. Specifically, the limb muscles needed to successfully execute a moonwalk.

Spin the bottle, then intubate

Many of you are already aware of my aversion to any social encounters with my academic fellows. Meeting medical students outside of medical school is a transition my brain cannot handle. I cannot help but maintain my urge to out-compete my comrades even in a party setting. I still want to be in the top 98th percentile in cookies brought to the potluck and be at least two standard deviations above the average friendly conversation.

But regardless, I attended a party thrown by the MSTP's last night. I had only two rules:

1. I would wear a bow tie.
2. I would not participate in any drinking/sporting event combinations (i.e. beer pong, wine tennis, scotch jai alai, etc.).

Pictured above: Rule one is satisfied. I don't know if you can tell, but this is my party tie.

The hosts also requested that the attendees bring some foodstuffs to increase the spirit of togetherness. I was going to make a cake with the phrase "I will tolerate you all" spelled out in frosting, but I ran out of sugar.

Pictured above: White cheddar and brie biscuits. The key to good biscuits is to acidify the batter and serve them while exclaiming "Y'all want some biscuits!?"

The event itself was quite entertaining. We played all sorts of fun party games. For example, we had a lot of great rounds of medical spin-the-bottle, where instead of kissing the one that the bottle lands on, you have to intubate their trachea. Throw in some alcohol, and you've got yourself an old-fashioned medical school hootenanny.

Pictured above: A "hootenanny" in progress. Things didn't get going until people started whipping out the blood pressure cuffs.

I also had the chance to employ the tried and true Jesse Thorn method of making new friends. I would introduce myself to them and then make some sort of joke about their profession/hometown/appearance. If they laughed at my joke, then they would be my friend. If they didn't, I would hate them forever. I kept track on my party clipboard, which I later transfered to my party Excel spreadsheet.

Pictured above: Love and hate, respectively.

Medical School Study Tips

It's that time again. With an exam on the way, medical students everywhere are eschewing our dear friend Kris Kringle for the warm hearth of gastro-intestinal anatomy and histology. In the holiday spirit, I offer you my tried and true study tips, guaranteed to increase test scores by 20%, decrease body fat by 63%, and eliminate the symptoms of tertiary syphilis.

1. Mnemonics

Having trouble remembering the names of the arteries and nerves? Try some helpful mnemonics! For example, the arteries of the pelvis can be remembered by the saying: "The superior gluteal, inferior gluteal, pudendal, obturator, and superior vescicular arteries are stupid and hard to remember!"

2. Time management

We all have trouble balancing studying and our hobbies (such as binge drinking or cage-fighting), so here's a tip on how to save time while listening to the audio lectures. Just collect 20 sets of speakers and set them up around your apartment. Then, connect them to 20 mp3 players and have them play 20 different audio lecture notes at the same time. Stand in the center of the room and absorb the information with ease. This Cacophony of Cochard (trademarked, by the way) method is also effective at pulverizing kidney stones.

3. Study groups

Study groups present the illusion of productivity, but did you know that they offer you the opportunity to take an offensive role in your medical school education? Sabotage other study groups to lower the mean of the exam. Join many different groups and send them confusing and contradictory information. Advanced users of this technique may also vandalize wikipedia pages.

4. Location, location, location

Everyone knows that you should study where you will take the exam, but for even higher scores, you should live there. I have been living our of my histology locker for the past few weeks, and as long as you don't mind shaving with your anatomy scalpel, so can you!

5. Cheating

Did you know that you can cheat to get a higher score on the exam? It's easier than it looks! All you have to do is study your notes beforehand, and when you are taking the exam, you will remember the facts you are being tested over! They won't see what hit them!

Exam Exuberance

Today, I have completed and "passed" my first medical school exam! True to my upbringing, I whipped out my non-regulation Number 2 1/2 pencil, which has the extra 10% graphite hardness I needed to conquer this test. I was, of course, the first to finish the exam, since the brain parasite implanted by the Kumon math program is still eating away at the impulse control part of my brain. But it didn't stop me from putting on my leather jacket, peeling out on my motorcycle, and leaving the rest of those suckers behind as I rode into the sunset (NOTE: at this point, it was only 9:30 a.m., so it was more "sunrise" than "sunset." Also, the motorcycle is fictional.).

Time to kick back, relax, and go crazy this weekend!

Pictured Above: THREE kinds of bow ties! Now we are getting the party started!

Poseidon Was Pleased and Appeased

Medical school, as it turns out, is becoming more and more like high school. We are a large class, all attending the same lectures, and I'm pretty sure we're on the brink of just founding a Medical Student Gossip Club. I can only hope that there is a medical school prom, where I can ask out that cute girl who is in the "cool" histology lab group if she wants to match her corsage to my boutineer.

But as we revert into our adolescent selves, not unlike the last 30 minutes of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (slightly more tragic and just as never-ending), we have begun to embrace all things juvenile. Therefore, we all participated in the delightful medical school Olympics this weekend.

Pictured above: A team of brilliant doctors to be, who will eventually hold someone's life in their hands, about to carry a large, wet sponge in their mouths to a bucket.

At first, I was excited to compete in these Olympic events. I had arrived to the park just as the ancient Greeks intended, fully nude and ready to wrestle. However, it appears that tradition means nothing to my peers, and they instead wore matching society t-shirts. Despite these setbacks, I did manage to convince my society, Thompson, to sacrifice a large bull to seek Poseidon's blessing for victory in the games.

Pictured above: The classic egg-on-spoon race. The ancient Greeks invented this event, but later had it banned from the games. This is not because of its trivial nature, but rather because of its violent enforcement. The Greeks penalized a dropped egg with a swift death by fire ants instead of the more standard 20-second-wait we enjoy today. This is why Plato never published his lesser-known "Allegory of the Egg-on-Spoon Race." (Spoiler Alert! The fire ants symbolize human knowledge!)

Ultimate Frisbee was also an event, so I was quick to put my gangly, awkward frame to work. With years of frisbee experience under my belt, I kept us undefeated. If I believed any of my classmates actually read this blog, I would feel bad in saying that I was one of the star players. But since my Mom and Nicole are my only readers, I'll go ahead and show some uncharacteristic hubris.

Pictured above: I did not, however, participate in the sponge-biting contest. I had made a fool of myself in front of my classmates so many times before, I felt it would only be fair to give others a chance to do so as well.

But after the crabwalking, bearwalking, and crip-walking relays were done, it came down to the final event: human pyramid building contest. I expected that this event was secretly the "emergency treatment of falling-trauma victims contest," but unfortunately no one was injured. There will always be next year.

Pictured above: Their cheers during their pyramid were good (something about Cooper society being the best), but I always prefer more honest yelling. Something along the lines of "We're really cold out here!" or "We really should be studying right now!" would have been much more engaging.

In the end, my society won. Like the victory I secured for Krehbiel during my tenure as President/King for the Scholarship Hall Olympics back at KU, the air was filled with our classic team chant: "Cheat to win! Cheat to win!"

That's Dr. Liar to You

Today in my medical ethics class, we all agreed that it can be appropriate to lie to our patients. Oddly enough, I seemed to be the only one passionate about using this deception in the future. Here is an out-of-context quote that will probably haunt me later in my career:

"I'm so excited to use medical jargon to confuse my patients!"

Seems fine to me. If you are going to tread an ethically gray line, you might as well try out some moral breakdancing along the way.

Panda-Flavored Bubble Tea

My White Coat Ceremony was this past weekend, so my biological mother again decided to make a visit up to Chicago. In true family fashion, our interactions were largely within the context of eating.

Pictured above: My mother drinking coffee. Her eyes are blackened not to protect her privacy, but rather to protect my readers. It is said that all who gaze into her eyes turn to stone, which has really started to become a real nuisance. At least we got her snakes under control.

We also found an excellent Vietnamese sandwich shop called Bon Bon.

Pictured above: A Vietnamese sandwich, clearly the most photogenic of sandwiches.

I ordered a bubble tea, because I think most drinks nowadays don't have enough debris in them. My brother ordered an Vietnamese iced coffee, which I believe is coffee, condensed milk, and panda extract.

Pictured above: You can really taste the panda.

You'll notice that my brother is wearing an excellent blue button-down from American Apparel. Maybe one day I'll be able to be a rich doctor like him and wear $50 shirts, but for now I guess I'll stick to pulling clothes out of a bin at Goodwill.

My mother took pictures of me in my white coat, but those photographs are largely uninteresting. I am considering tailoring my white coat, but I wonder if I'll be the only one with a fitted doctor's jacket. On a side note, I have a feeling that I'm becoming the dandy of my medical school class.

Medical School: Day Two

Day one is over, and now it's time to loosen the knot on this necktie of meeting-new-people-anxiety. I've learned dozens of new names, and I even remember one or two of them. The name-tags are no longer being worn, which is hindering my progress.

Pictured above: My ID. Each MD is sorted into a college (like Hogwarts' houses), and mine is Castillo. It is generally regarded as the Hufflepuff of colleges, since everyone in it is very nice and very dumb. It is my goal to be the Neville Longbottom of my class.

After learning CPR in a room with about 30 dummies (And about 40 mannequins. Zing! Medical student burn!), a small group of us went off to explore the city. Like any new residents to the city, we were attracted to the mystic power of the Bean.

Pictured above: The clairvoyant Bean reflects an image of your future self. Unfortunately, it is of you only 5 seconds in the future, so no one has noticed that is has this power.

We went for some coffee at Intelligentsia coffee, where I ordered a coffee with extra intelligence.

Pictured above: It turns out that intelligent coffee is brewed in glass beehives.

What will tomorrow hold? Team building exercises in the woods! Instead of trying out trust-falls, I'm planning on leading my group in trust-crowdsurfing.

Medical School: Day One

I learned the definition of professionalism today. Unfortunately, discussing my medical school on a weblog is probably not professional. Therefore, I just will show you this picture of a picture of a rat. Memories of laboratory past.

Pictured Above: A professional rat model.