Fan Mail #1

"I am a bit confused by the name of this blog. I thought at first it was the preaching point of a nudist, or the rantings of a fashion designer whose 'vision' was never accepted by his peers. So what is it you are skeptical of; clothes, tailoring, or clothing style? It seems a bit ambiguous. While the lexical complexity of your writing seems a bit contrived, your writing is relatively witty and amusing, for that I appreciate it, but perhaps you should take a page out of the great Mark Twain's book and dumb it down. Pretentiousness is pretentious."
-Anonymous comment on Last KU vs. MU Game

Why, hello! I didn't see you there, Anonymous. Please, take a seat. May I call you Anonymous? Of course, thank you.

I'm sure you are wondering why I've called you to my Royal Executive Suite, located here in my underwater bunker at the base of Lake Michigan. Usually I come here just to relax and celebrate with Chicago's blogging elite, but I've extended a very special invitation to you.

My, it seems you are quite confused by the title of my blog. I know, ever since I got my Blog Licence revoked back in 1999, I've been forced to change the name of it several times for legal reasons. Initially, it was the "Sai's Guide to Dog-fighting and Dog-fashion," then "The Sartorial Dog and Skeptical Owners," then "The Unofficial Justin Beiber Blog," then "Sartorial Skeptic," then "The Sartorial Skeptic." I understand that without the history, it seems a bit confusing. I hope that clears things up.

Oh, and thank you for finding my writing both "contrived" and "relatively witty." I know that with the hefty $100 subscription fee attached to my blog, my fans deserve only the best in both my inane and insane writings. You can see my publisher to get a full refund for the post you found unsatisfactory.

You must understand, writing for this blog is hard. I'm sure that when you are writing for the internet, you just simply compile a set of plagiarized materials from poor, orphaned children in essay mills. Unfortunately, my work comes from what's left of my shambled mind, and thus comes out "contrived." And as just how I am "relatively" witty, I'm sure you are "relatively" a good person.

So, thank you Anonymous. I will take your advice and "dumb it down." I'm sorry that my abundance of "words" and "sentences" (and of course "paragraphs") have just blown a fuse in your anonymous brain. You know, just for you, here's something more your speed: the next 100 posts with just be animated gifs of cats stolen from other blogs of animated gifs of cats. Enjoy. Now, I believe it is time for you to go. The exit is the fourth hatch to the left, right past the closet filled with old dog sweaters and Justin Bieber cardboard cutouts.

Bloggin' Your Way to a Thinner You!

Last Friday, I had the amazing opportunity to give a guest lecture on blogging to a "Writing in the Technological Age" course at the University of Illinois-Chicago*. After the laser-show and the stunning introduction by my hype man, I entered the classroom and pummeled them with wisdom. Here is a small** excerpt.

*factual
**fictional

"Are you frustrated with your lives? Can't seem to find what you are looking for? You're right! There is something wrong with you. And I am the only person who can help you help yourself. With blogging.

With my patented 44-step blogging system, I can teach you how to blog yourself into real blogging shape. Here's my first tip: go on a blogging diet. Eat only foods featured on your blog.

Pictured above: It's got a TOMATO. It's HEALTHY.

But don't blogging stop there! Inspire others with your blogdom and blogography.

Pictured above: You know what this flight of pancakes makes me want to eat? A healthy fruit snack.

Once you've blogged into the blogosphere, you can blog your blog into full blogness by blogging about other blogs. For example, you could blog about how amazing my blog, The Sartorial Skeptic, is. Be sure to include many, many links. And hyperlinks. http://sartorialskeptic.blogspot.com/

I've really enjoyed my time live-blogging with you (that's what I call talking), and feel free to blog about this blog-lecture. Just be sure to blog about my blog! Blog ME? No, blog YOU. Happy blogging!"

"Real" Writing

For those interested in longer and more boring entries with no pictures, I have created another site where I can publish all of my essays that get rejected by McSweeney's.

http://sartorialskeptic.wordpress.com/

I have already posted my first entry. Feel free to leave angry comments on either blog.