Restaurant Review: Frontier

Today, I will review the prestigious Frontier, the most aggressively Midwestern and post-ironic, hipster restaurant in all of Wicker Park.

Dish #1: Crab Benedict
Pictured above: While I question the authenticity of a true prairie family harvesting the crabs and benedicts necessary for this entree, I did finally understand how the Midwestern Native Americans truly did use every part of the benedict. 6 out of 8 stars.

Dish #2: Bacon Omelette
Pictured above: Granted, was it the best omelette I've eaten? No. Was it the most recent omlelette I've eaten? Yes. 17 out of 23 stars.

Dish #3: Rabbit and Waffle
Pictured above: Man, "Rabbit and Waffle" was my favorite early 90's British claymation series. Also, it turns out deep-frying anything and covering it in maple syrup makes it awesome. ONE THOUSAND STARS.

Spring Break 2012

Pictured above: Kick-off breakfast.

Pictured above: No diving.

Pictured above: No drowning.

Pictured above: Is this racist? Maybe if it read "A Rittle Bit Creaner". Wait, am I racist?

Pictured above: The St. Patrick's Day Chicago River. The dye is completely environmentally safe, unless you are an otter with chlorophobia.

Pictured above: On the CTA. I paused for a moment when I saw this, then scribbled "#graffiti" underneath.

Holiday Special, featuring the Swedish Piñata and Kurt Vonnegut's "Gingerbreadhouse 5"

To celebrate winter break, I decided to have a holiday brunch and explore the season's decorations around Chicago.

Pictured above: An adorable Swedish Piñata. Every year, the neighborhood children celebrate by breaking it open with a stick of knotted, Swedish bread, and then they gather up all the meatballs and pieces of Ikea furniture that fall out. A special prize goes to the first child to make a shoddily constructed chair.

Pictured above: A Wicker Park statue celebrating its first slumlord, Jonathan Wicker. He is depicted with broom because he famously practiced witchcraft, which was why he is often referred to as Jonathan "The Unkillable" Wicker. He is still at large.

Pictured above: Soldiers guarding Lady Gregory, our destination for brunch. They are seen here decorated with medals for their bravery during the infamous Sugar Plum firebombing of Tinsel Village of the Second Christmas War.

Pictured above: A meatloaf empanada and Irish cheddar grits. Somewhere, both an Irishman and a Spaniard feel suddenly disgusted, but do not know why.

Michigan Ave Street Painting

Michigan Avenue, or "The Mile of Tourists," is a home to many wonders, but I saw something there the other day that just baffled me.

Pictured above: Bafflement with some befuddlement.

Now, this man was painting what looked like an eggman protecting buried gold (and sky-gold) from seagulls. He explained that the character on the left was Humpty Dumpty. He continued to do this for several minutes before I had to go back to saving lives at the hospital.

I still don't know what was going on, but here are some theories:

1. Performance art. This "man" is "painting" a "scene" challenging the "audience" what it means to "be." Get it? No? Exactly.

2. Humpty Dumpty fan-fiction fan-art. This man, after writing an elaborate story in which Humpty Dumpty meets Bella from Twilight, becomes a pirate, and buries the treasure, he decides he needs to share it with the world in the only way he knows how: watercolors.

3. An incredibly bad, but very dedicated, caricature artist. "I'm not so good with faces, so I'm going to focus mainly on the background. Also, you kind of look like an egg. That'll be $100."

4. Viral marketing for a new movie, a gritty reboot of Humpty Dumpty. Humpty Dumpty will be played by Shia LeBeouf, and the wall will be played by Vin Diesel. Tagline: "You are going to need more horses and men."

Mom's in Town!

Oh, are you upset that this post is a little late? Well, it was because I was hanging out with my mom. Hold onto your seats, because she got the party started.

Pictured above: And by "party," I mean we doubled-down and ordered both cow tendons and octopus balls. Yeah, we were makin' it RAIN tendons.

After we were done eating, we decided to go for a walk and burn off some of those calories. Just kidding, we got deep fried Asian snacks!

Pictured above: Aw, yeah. We've got satay and rangoon SWAG.

Then, we celebrated my older brother's birthday with a simple, tasteful cake. NOOOOPE!

Pictured above: Fondant designed sushi on triple-layered, chocolate-peanut-butter cake. I'll be honest; I was disappointed that the whole thing wasn't dipped in batter and deep-fried. But there's always next year.

Profiles in Courage: Roberto

As you might have guessed, my good friend Roberto visited me a few days ago. Since he was my old roommate at K.K. Amini Scholarship Hall, he was able to muster the courage to actually spend an entire weekend with me. For his honor (and sacrifice), this post is a list of some of his admirable attributes.

1. Punctuality

Having spent a semester studying abroad in Italy, Roberto has mastered the art of the "Italian Entrance", which is where you arrive two hours late and order the smallest coffee on the menu.

Pictured above: Oh, and he also loves pasta. Roberto is set to straight up murder some noodles.

2. Fearlessness

Roberto fears no man, nor is intimidated by any woman. Why, just this weekend, he approached some giant lady to ask for directions. But then, things got weird.

Pictured above: "Dude, did you at least get her digits?"

3. Gratitude

While staying with me, he was quite the upstanding guest. He acknowledged my extreme generosity in granting him the finest accommodations I had to offer: TWO inflatable pools rafts to sleep on, TWO sheets, and HIS CHOICE of pillow or saucepan.

Pictured above: You love it. YOU LOVE IT.

Dude, It Was Just Hamlet With Lions

People are always asking me, "How do you stay so skinny after you eat so much?" After I explain my high parasite load and internal rumen system, I just show them a picture of my typical breakfast.

Pictured above: Lemon-meringue pie, apple fritter, and half a sticky bun. Well, sorry, I needed a snack if I was going to take the time to get a photograph.

Despite my love of refined and other sugars, I often sample the non-desserts other cultures have to offer. For example, just this weekend I explored Chicago's Greektown.

Pictured above: Moussaka from the Athena Restaurant. Not only was it delicious, it was also a perfect topographical replica of the cliff where Moussaka was dropped to his death by Jeremy Irons.

To help me better appreciate the Greek atmosphere, I brought along a companion familiar with the intricacies of the culture and language, as she had once lived in a "sorority." Though every time I inquired as to which one she belonged, she refused to tell me.

Pictured above: "Look, I don't want to ask your friend 'Delt.' Why can't you just answer me?"

Farm Fresh Dogs

Summer has finally arrived, which means that farmer's market season has officially begun. I spent yesterday morning perusing the finest beets and asparagi local farmers had to offer, which gave me a chance to practice being both an old man and an elitist.

I'm getting better at these markets, though. I recently learned a few of the secret passwords to get some of the illegal, pharmaceutical-grade turnips and the exotic, hallucinogenic danger-honey.

Pictured above: While I was walking some flowers, I also decided to pick up some dogs at the farmer's market.

To top off the day, I traveled to the Argyle area with some friends to get some Vietnamese food at Tank! Unfortunately, while taking the train, my "friends" caused a bit of a disturbance. Doug put out a cigarette in a kid's face, Mitali kicked out a nun's knees, and Nicole just kept yelling "Thizz face! Thizz face! Thizz face!" This is why we don't get to go anywhere nice.

Pictured above: Riding the subway never looked this awkward.

Tips on Surviving Chicago (You Won't)

In the spirit of generosity, and to fulfill my court-ordered community service, I have decide to bestow upon you, the humble reader, some of what I've learned during my year of living in Chicago.

1. Weather

Invest in a sturdy umbrella. Some locals joke that a "Chicago umbrella" is one turned inside out by the wind, but this is inaccurate. A "Chicago umbrella" is one turned inside out by the wind and then is rigged to be counted as several votes in a local election.

2. Subways

You will miss your train. It will speed off while you are desperately trying to run between the closing doors. To prevent yourself from looking foolish, I recommend ghost riding the train. Just start dancing along it as it leaves, though you must be familiar with proper "stuntin'" decorum.

3. Crime

Like I have mentioned before in previous episodes, I am a intern for the local Yakuza gang. Though this just means getting coffee for the more senior guys and getting a large tattoo of a dragon fighting a tiger across my chest, it has also allowed me to really get involved in the "crime scene" in Chicago. It's a lot like the music scene, but with fewer moustaches.

4. Making friends

One word: overrated. You know what really makes life exciting? Making enemies. The next time you meet someone who shares your interests, just punch them in the solar plexus and whisper, "Remember this day forever. Also, you should follow my blog."

5. Clothing

Clothes are expensive, and between pretending to be a doctor and punching strangers, you are bound to wear them out. But when they get old, just turn your clothes into different clothes!


Pictured above: A torn shirt, now a brand new handkerchief/pocket square! I know, right? And you said my life couldn't get any lonelier.

How to Order Squid Balls in Chinatown

So, with the first year of medical school behind me, I ventured down to Chinatown to celebrate with my brother and his friends. Loyal readers will remember that the last time I went to Chinatown, I tried to order the most illegal item on the menu and then attacked our waiter after I entered jellyfish madness.

But this time, we got "hot pot" style Chinese food. For those unfamiliar, it is where you hold thinly sliced meats in boiling, spiced water to flash-cook them.

Pictured above: On the left is the "non-spicy" water, and on the right is a mixture of 20% water, 20% peppers, and 60% neurotoxin blend.

So, it is the Chinese version of the American State-fair, with just boring water instead of that delicious deep-fry oil. Also, you cannot get nacho cheese dipping sauce for your squid.

Pictured above: "Sai, why are you taking a picture of your chopsticks?" "I'm going to put it on my blog." "What?" "Oh, don't worry. I'll think of some witty caption for it."

Anyway, I got to eat cuttlefish balls. Oh, don't worry, it was just ground squid formed into balls. Though I think it may have been 60% squid gonad.

Pictured above: Lanterns adorned with the traditional Chinese symbol representing "10%-off if you pay in cash".

Prelude: Chicago Summer!

Pictured above: "Okay guys, just try to act normal...I guess this will have to do."

Pictured above: "Fine, Sai. Just don't do that thing where you put your arms around us... Come on!"

Pictured above: "Really, Doug? People are watching."

Pictured above: "Okay, I guess that's close enough."

Pictured above: "Don't worry. I'm not going to post this one."

Pictured above: "Okay, sassier...sassier...sassier...PERFECT."

Pictured above: "Really, Sai? Another picture of us in a field?"

Pictured above: "No way I'm going over there to take a picture of you. Do you have any idea how much these loafers cost? Almost FIVE DOLLARS. I'm not getting sand in them."

Pictured above: "Okay, Doug. Try to look...okay...well, can you instead...how about you put your arms...all right. This is fine."

Pictured above: "You guys know that I'm charging you $100 an hour to photograph you, right?"

Pictured above: "Frattier...frattier...frattier...PERFECT."

Questions for the Chicago Pedal Pub

After seeing this, I...just had so many questions. I thought I would share them with you.

Pictured above: Spotted in Wicker Park, The Chicago Pedal Pub is a roving drinking station powered by the pedaling of its patrons.

Question #1: Why the name "Pedal Pub"? There are a huge number of other drinking-related alliterations choose from! For example: Booze Bicycle.

Question #2: Why is your motto "It's SLOW fun"? Were people complaining that they were getting bored with their fun because it was moving TOO FAST?

Question #3: How did this idea come to be? Was someone drinking with their friends in a bar and exclaim, "I can't take it any more! I need to be able to get drunk AND blast my quads at the same time!"

Question #4: Have you considered expanding your franchise? As a non-drinker, I would be particularly interested in a roving tea shop powered by push-ups or a mobile old-timey soda shop powered by deep-knee bends.

Question #5: How does the driver get licensed to operate a vehicle powered solely by inebriated individuals? The only applicable prior work experience seems to be operating the lower-deck oars in a Viking slave ship.

I'm (kind of) Famous!

I was photographed by Isa of Chicago Looks!

http://vintageheavenchicago.blogspot.com/2011/03/march-big-sale.html (near the bottom of the page)

Pictured above: Doing some shopping at Chicago's Vintage Heaven.

(Thanks to Chicago Looks for thinking I looked interesting enough for a photo.)

Sno' Money, Sno' Problems

Once again, I have an upcoming exam, so I will have to keep this update short. I do, however, promise you all a very special episode of The Sartorial Skeptic next week, so stay tuned. For this week, I will recap the light snow we got here in Chicago on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Pictured above: "Oh, don't worry. I can't imagine that I'll need waterproof boots in Chicago."

Pictured above: Waiting for the bus. To be honest, I was expecting roves of snow-motorcycle gangs to be running the city by now.

Pictured above: Ha, ha! Your fixed gears cannot save you now, hipsters.

Pictured above: Crossing the street is a risky endeavor. It is considered customary to shove other pedestrians onto oncoming traffic if you feel they are taking too long climbing over the snow hill.

Pictured above: My brother, like all bears, was re-thinking his decision to come out of hibernation.

Pictured above: "Don't worry, honey. I'll shovel out our car. How bad could it be?"

Pictured above: Probably not everyone's favorite neighbor.