Tips on Surviving Chicago (You Won't)

In the spirit of generosity, and to fulfill my court-ordered community service, I have decide to bestow upon you, the humble reader, some of what I've learned during my year of living in Chicago.

1. Weather

Invest in a sturdy umbrella. Some locals joke that a "Chicago umbrella" is one turned inside out by the wind, but this is inaccurate. A "Chicago umbrella" is one turned inside out by the wind and then is rigged to be counted as several votes in a local election.

2. Subways

You will miss your train. It will speed off while you are desperately trying to run between the closing doors. To prevent yourself from looking foolish, I recommend ghost riding the train. Just start dancing along it as it leaves, though you must be familiar with proper "stuntin'" decorum.

3. Crime

Like I have mentioned before in previous episodes, I am a intern for the local Yakuza gang. Though this just means getting coffee for the more senior guys and getting a large tattoo of a dragon fighting a tiger across my chest, it has also allowed me to really get involved in the "crime scene" in Chicago. It's a lot like the music scene, but with fewer moustaches.

4. Making friends

One word: overrated. You know what really makes life exciting? Making enemies. The next time you meet someone who shares your interests, just punch them in the solar plexus and whisper, "Remember this day forever. Also, you should follow my blog."

5. Clothing

Clothes are expensive, and between pretending to be a doctor and punching strangers, you are bound to wear them out. But when they get old, just turn your clothes into different clothes!


Pictured above: A torn shirt, now a brand new handkerchief/pocket square! I know, right? And you said my life couldn't get any lonelier.

The Year: In Memoriam (2010-2010)

At only a year old, the year is already gone. Many of us will mourn the passing of 2010, but others know that it was just its time. On this, its last day, I remember some highlights from the break.

The holiday means something special to my family. And by "special," I mean weird. On Christmas day, in honor of the food that had been and will be eaten, my mother took my brother and I on a blistery power-walk through the Shunganunga (its actual name) Park of Topeka. Although my brother and I initially complained at the prospect of "physical activity", it did give us time to work on our respective swaggers.

Pictured above: Haters gon' hate.

Afterwards, we gorged on the finest foodstuffs Kansas had to offer: Panera Bread. For those unfamiliar with the chain, everything is served out of a bread bowl, including the soup, coffee, and your receipt. Veterans like us know that the bowls do not always have to be eaten, and in fact can also double as festive bread hats. These can be re-used for future bread-themed parties.

Pictured above: My brother enjoying his two favorite things: eating and stabbing himself in the hand with a knife.

Then, we all went home to give each other gifts. I presented my brother with his 1st bow tie and my mother with her 145th and 146th scarves. As expected, I received gifts akin to my new lifestyle: socks, undershirts, pocket squares, and men's jewelry. As a 60-year-old man trapped in the body of a 22-year-old, I was ecstatic.

Pictured above: Pocket squares, cufflinks, and collar clips, also known as The Gentleman's Trifecta.

Happy New Year, internet.

"Autumn" is the gentleman's "Fall"

Autumn is here! And do you know what that means?

Pictured Above: Yes! It means blazers and matching pocket squares! I also would have accepted "sweater vests" or "the hipsters' scarves have suddenly become useful."