New Year's Resolutions

1. While shaking the hand of a stranger, linger a little too long and stare at their hand.

2. Walk over to a girl to ask her out, and then lose confidence en-route and pretend to tie my shoe.

3. Put four collar stays in a shirt and ask "if you notice anything different about me."

4. Mispronounce "pronunciation" to see if anyone corrects me.

5. While getting a haircut, tell the barber that "the weather has been really nice lately."

Best of the Best's of 2011

Happy New Year! Here are my best of the best's of 2011! There was some tough competition this year, but here are the winners:

Best Christmas Ornament with Photograph of Me in 2nd Grade of 2011:

Pictured above: CRAYOLA CHRISTMAS

Best Christmas Ornament with Handprint of Me in Kindergarten of 2011:

Pictured above: HEARTSLAP

Best Grits of 2011:

Pictured above: CHEDDAR JALAPENO GRITS

Best Marginal Nerd Board Game of 2011

Pictured above: POWERGRID

Best Technology Destroyed by Sai of 2011

Pictured above: MONTH-OLD IPOD NANO

The Year: In Memoriam (2010-2010)

At only a year old, the year is already gone. Many of us will mourn the passing of 2010, but others know that it was just its time. On this, its last day, I remember some highlights from the break.

The holiday means something special to my family. And by "special," I mean weird. On Christmas day, in honor of the food that had been and will be eaten, my mother took my brother and I on a blistery power-walk through the Shunganunga (its actual name) Park of Topeka. Although my brother and I initially complained at the prospect of "physical activity", it did give us time to work on our respective swaggers.

Pictured above: Haters gon' hate.

Afterwards, we gorged on the finest foodstuffs Kansas had to offer: Panera Bread. For those unfamiliar with the chain, everything is served out of a bread bowl, including the soup, coffee, and your receipt. Veterans like us know that the bowls do not always have to be eaten, and in fact can also double as festive bread hats. These can be re-used for future bread-themed parties.

Pictured above: My brother enjoying his two favorite things: eating and stabbing himself in the hand with a knife.

Then, we all went home to give each other gifts. I presented my brother with his 1st bow tie and my mother with her 145th and 146th scarves. As expected, I received gifts akin to my new lifestyle: socks, undershirts, pocket squares, and men's jewelry. As a 60-year-old man trapped in the body of a 22-year-old, I was ecstatic.

Pictured above: Pocket squares, cufflinks, and collar clips, also known as The Gentleman's Trifecta.

Happy New Year, internet.