How to Order Squid Balls in Chinatown

So, with the first year of medical school behind me, I ventured down to Chinatown to celebrate with my brother and his friends. Loyal readers will remember that the last time I went to Chinatown, I tried to order the most illegal item on the menu and then attacked our waiter after I entered jellyfish madness.

But this time, we got "hot pot" style Chinese food. For those unfamiliar, it is where you hold thinly sliced meats in boiling, spiced water to flash-cook them.

Pictured above: On the left is the "non-spicy" water, and on the right is a mixture of 20% water, 20% peppers, and 60% neurotoxin blend.

So, it is the Chinese version of the American State-fair, with just boring water instead of that delicious deep-fry oil. Also, you cannot get nacho cheese dipping sauce for your squid.

Pictured above: "Sai, why are you taking a picture of your chopsticks?" "I'm going to put it on my blog." "What?" "Oh, don't worry. I'll think of some witty caption for it."

Anyway, I got to eat cuttlefish balls. Oh, don't worry, it was just ground squid formed into balls. Though I think it may have been 60% squid gonad.

Pictured above: Lanterns adorned with the traditional Chinese symbol representing "10%-off if you pay in cash".

How to Order Dolphin in Chinatown

Although I've been living in Chicago for nearly 5 months now (that's 22.5 monthometers for you metric system users out there), I had never yet ventured to Chinatown. This is mostly because I was told that if I traveled anywhere south of the loop in Chicago, I would be instantly mugged, stabbed, shot, forced to join a gang, and, worst of all, be confronted by my own white guilt. Luckily, on this my first trip to Chinatown, I had "friends" to protect me. Or at least people more easily stabbed than me.

Pictured above: C'mon, guys! Getting stabbed isn't that bad! Think of it as being hugged by a knife.

We went to a 24-hour Chinese diner, which turned out to be very similar to American diners, with some key differences. For instance, instead of everything being deep fried, everything was covered in soy sauce. And instead of a jukebox playing in the corner, we were flanked by dual televisions playing bizarre Chinese soap operas. I was secretly hoping that a bunch of Chinese Jets would challenge the Chinese Sharks to a quaint gang battle while we were there, but sadly no one joined in when I started snapping and dancing around the hostess.

Regardless, I was happy to escape my medical school bubble. It was fun to spend time with friends who don't flinch at the word "histology."

Pictured above: Best friends forever!

First, we started with an appetizer. We wanted to eat the most dangerous animal on the menu, but since they had unfortunately run out of murder-fin tuna, we ordered the jellyfish.

Pictured above: Jellyfish tastes like neither jelly nor fish, but rather like a tentacled turnip. But just like when you are consuming any cnidarian, you are just happy that your mouth isn't being filled with venomous barbs.

I, of course, asked for a dish on the secret menu, which required that I give the secret passcode ("I'm Asian. No, really.").

Pictured above: It was a bit of a hassle, but not many places can bring you dolphin meat this fresh.

Overall, it was quite the satisfactory meal. We even went to a nearby bakery to top off the night.

Pictured above: Green tea cheesecake? Now I've seen everything! Oh wait, never mind. I still haven't seen Iron Man 2. But I imagine that it would be similar to eating green tea cheesecake.