Winter Break!

Hooray! Now that I have completed my third medical school exam, I will be able to go outside and enjoy the wonderful Chicago winte-
Oh, yeah.

Medical School Study Tips

It's that time again. With an exam on the way, medical students everywhere are eschewing our dear friend Kris Kringle for the warm hearth of gastro-intestinal anatomy and histology. In the holiday spirit, I offer you my tried and true study tips, guaranteed to increase test scores by 20%, decrease body fat by 63%, and eliminate the symptoms of tertiary syphilis.

1. Mnemonics

Having trouble remembering the names of the arteries and nerves? Try some helpful mnemonics! For example, the arteries of the pelvis can be remembered by the saying: "The superior gluteal, inferior gluteal, pudendal, obturator, and superior vescicular arteries are stupid and hard to remember!"

2. Time management

We all have trouble balancing studying and our hobbies (such as binge drinking or cage-fighting), so here's a tip on how to save time while listening to the audio lectures. Just collect 20 sets of speakers and set them up around your apartment. Then, connect them to 20 mp3 players and have them play 20 different audio lecture notes at the same time. Stand in the center of the room and absorb the information with ease. This Cacophony of Cochard (trademarked, by the way) method is also effective at pulverizing kidney stones.

3. Study groups

Study groups present the illusion of productivity, but did you know that they offer you the opportunity to take an offensive role in your medical school education? Sabotage other study groups to lower the mean of the exam. Join many different groups and send them confusing and contradictory information. Advanced users of this technique may also vandalize wikipedia pages.

4. Location, location, location

Everyone knows that you should study where you will take the exam, but for even higher scores, you should live there. I have been living our of my histology locker for the past few weeks, and as long as you don't mind shaving with your anatomy scalpel, so can you!

5. Cheating

Did you know that you can cheat to get a higher score on the exam? It's easier than it looks! All you have to do is study your notes beforehand, and when you are taking the exam, you will remember the facts you are being tested over! They won't see what hit them!

Holiday (Party)

It is that time of year again. Snow is softy falling upon North Face jackets, songs of anatomical mnemonics play through the heads of frozen medical students, and seasonal affective disorder drifts on the clouds of steam from hot cocoa.

Pictured above: Porcelain angels are also lining our televisions, filling the air with porcelain song.

The holiday season has always held great meaning to me, and not just because of my large collection of red and green v-neck sweaters. It is a month to be kind to my fellow man, which will allow me to disregard him for the other eleven. But how am I to enjoy the frivolous pursuit of superficial happiness alone and cold in the big city? To solve this dilemma, I discussed it over breakfast at Elly's Pancake house with my neighbor/accomplice Ro. Loyal readers will remember her as the lady who tried to poison me with macaroons last summer.

Pictured above: Much like Ro, Elly's was full of deceit. And wicker baskets. And I don't know which was more unsettling.

After a brief knife fight to decide who would get to order the eggs benedict (I lost, as Ro is famous both for her love of butterfly knives and her love of hollandaise sauce), we debated the merits of embracing the holiday season.

Pictured above: Coffee helped ease the tension. But not my slash wounds.

Of course, I will throw a dinner party and invite all of my friends! But first, I needed some friends. I promptly went out-of-doors and offered $20 to any passerby to come to my apartment and be my friend. Despite my reassurance that "I'm not a weirdo or anything" and my insistence that "I'm just super lonely and have no friends," no one took me up on the offer. There was a pigeon that did steal a dollar from me though, and I did not take that as a solid "no".

It looked like I would have to go with Plan B: invite medical students. I managed to trick a few of my peers into attendance by blindfolding them and tossing into the back of a van. Before you judge me, you should know that all of this was explained on the e-vite I sent them.

Overall, I had a lovely time at my dinner party. And although I have a reputation for being quite the "square," I had plenty of opportunities to get "groovy" and "funky" with my friends late into the night. I stayed up past 9 o' clock and put whipped cream on tea AND muffins. I was out of control!

Pictured above: Clearly, the tea was flowing at my party.

It was quite the evening, but now I've got to clean up and get back to work. The gastro-intestinal system isn't going to learn itself, you know.

From the Archives: Middle School Mayhem

[During my senior year of high school, I was asked to give a commencement speech for the graduates of my old middle school. Below is a copy of the ACTUAL commencement speech I orated back in 2006. It is so old, I only have a hard copy.

Notes:
1) The red marks are from my mother, who I asked to edit it.
2) Keep in mind, I ACTUALLY read this to dozens of teachers, hundreds of students, and even more parents.
3) It is curious that my humor has failed to mature in nearly five years.]

Topeka: The Apple That Never Sleeps

Well, here I am. I am far from the glory of Chicago, the riches and splendor of that glittering metropolis of Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts. And today, on this holy day of Turki-cide, I am back home. I am in Topeka, the jewel of Kansas.

The trip went smoothly enough. I was finally able to use my leather travelling bag and try out my special airport outfit.

Pictured above: I wanted to look good for the full body scanning, though I did forget to wear my lead tie.

The MD/PHD program's private jet was a great way to travel, but the champagne fountain really just became annoying above 15,000 ft. And just as I was lighting a Cuban cigar with a $100 bill in double-first-class, I wondered what it would be like to be a "normal" medical student.

Pictured above: If I were, I probably wouldn't have this in my basement. This is the first poster I ever presented at a scientific meeting. Oh science puns, I miss you.

When I arrived at home to my biological mother and brother, we gathered to join in that most magical of holiday traditions: manual labor. I worked to install four sets of drapes in two rooms and hauled furniture through hallways. I was just glad that I didn't have to work in the salt mines this year.

Pictured above: Ooh, this is one of my favorite holiday games! You remove the metal brace from the old drapes with a rusty hammer, and if you begin to bleed uncontrollably, it is said there will be five more weeks of winter. Just kidding, I don't actually believe that! I know that screws and bolts don't control the weather! Poseidon does.

After our feast of this year's tofu harvest and the ritualistic sacrifice of a jar of kim-chee, I departed my house to enjoy the company of my few remaining Topeka "friends." We all played something called "Trivial Pursuit", which is a "board game." From what I understand, these "board games" are a kind of PlayStation made out of cardboard and plastic. They are different in that board games cost less than $300 and do not require electricity. They are the same in that both distract us from our own mortality.

Pictured above: The "game." The version we played was published in the 1980's, so I was placed in a severe disadvantage. My knowledge of leg-warmers and mullets was noticeably limited, though I did do well in the "Hammer-pants" category.

(Failed) Speed Dating

For the most part, I write blog entries describing my medical school triumphs and sartorial eccentricities. But when something momentous occurs in my life, I will gladly share it with the internet. A personal dream of mine was fulfilled this week as I participated in my first-ever speed dating experience. I, and other medical student men, went on 4-minute dates with the lovely ladies of the nearby law school. We were given forms to fill out to indicate which men/women we found suitable. This may be a challenge to most men in my position, but I was prepared.

Pictured above: Just throw on your tuxedo jacket and let the peak lapels do the talking.

Actually, I arrived more casually, as to not frighten these kind women too early with the true nature of my metrosexuality. I wore a necktie and a v-neck sweater, which is the first step in my personal seduction system.

Step 1: Look like Mr. Rogers.
Step 2: Explain why you look like a grandpa.
Step 3: Apologize for spilling your drink.
Step 4: Go home alone.
[Note, the Sai Seduction System is still in its beta phase of field-testing]

Pictured above: Only deploy a velvet vest in emergency dating situations.

So, I ended up talking to nearly 15 different ladies from the law school. They were all quite sweet, but the awkwardness of the situation expanded as the night wore on, like some sort of awkward souffle. My conservations typically went like this:

ME: Place of origin?
GIRL: Place of origin.
ME: Joke about place of origin!
GIRL: Do not understand. Hobbies?
ME: List of hobbies plus joke hobby.
GIRL: Joking?
ME: Joking.
GIRL: Silence.
ME: Words.
[Time up!]

And after all the smalltalk could not be spoken any smaller, the male medical students parted ways with the female law students. While in the medical post-date huddle, I discovered that some of the men had chosen an interesting strategy. Many had responded "yes" to nearly every date. This gave me a great idea.

Now, I'm sure there were a few ladies who implemented a similar plan. Therefore, this is great opportunity for me to launch my bold new company Sai's Speed-Speed-Dating, where I will just give the emails of all the singles to each other (for a small fee) as soon as they sign up, without having to go through the trouble of "meeting" each other! Slogan: "Where love and sadness meet!"

Pictured above: With my adventure over, all I have to do is sit back, relax, eat my poppyseed-apple-eggnog pancakes, and let the results of the speed dating roll into my email inbox.

And they just came in! No matches. Well, I was planning on crying alone in my apartment tonight anyway, so that simplifies my plans for the evening. Hooray!

Vintage Voyage Vivacity

When people comment on my personal style, it usually comes down to two types of questions.

1. Why are you dressed like that?

2. How old are you?

The answer to the first question is easy enough ("Because I'm awesome."), but the second is more tricky. Apparently, my sartorial decisions have made me look like an old man, devoid of any youthful glow and content to complain about how the internet and fax machines are destroying family values.

It seems most Chicagoans assume that I am about 28 years old (approximately two Justin Bieber's), which over time has increased the standard deviation of age-related guesses beyond a comfortable level. But instead of trying to fight back against this image of senescence, I've embraced this truth about my appearance. Better to be old and bitter than young and beloved. Wait, that doesn't sound right...

Anyway, I've indulged in some recent vintage clothing purchases to cement my elderly personal philosophy and appearance. First, I needed a raincoat.

Pictured above: A beautiful, double-breasted, navy-blue trench-coat. I don't plan on engaging in much trench warfare during my 7-15 years in the MD/PHD program, but you never know when the Kaiser will strike.

I had to take in the sides a bit (London Fog tends to be a bit boxy), but when such a coat is only $6, it is definitely worth the effort.

Pictured above: The recommended washing instructions. To maintain its authenticity, however, I will be cleaning it the old-fashioned way: by indentured servant.

I also purchased a leather travelling bag ($5) and a khaki fedora ($10). Now, my ensemble is complete.

Pictured above: I wonder if there is such a thing as a "vintage nerd"...

Together, I now will look like a 19th century British explorer, ready to indulge in the silks and spices (and colonial oppression) of the orient or participate in big-game hunting (and colonial oppression) in the Serengeti. How extravagant!