Birth of a Hero

Most birthdays are a time to celebrate the day when an individual's human incubation period has ended and is subsequently expelled into the world of the living. However, like many classic heroes, I was born not of man, but rather was pulled from the chest of Poseidon* and raised by orcas.

*Note, some historians claim I was born of Zeus. This is false, as Zeus was busy at the time of my birth trying to pick up ladies in the form of a bull.

Pictured above: Zeus's famous party trick of appearing as a shower of sparks.

Once I had established myself as King of the Killer Whales, I rode the largest of them to the vast ocean shores of Kansas, where I entered the realm of the land-dwelling mortals. So, on that day every year, I eat cake with my friends.

Pictured above: My brother celebrates my birth by mocking my love of bowed ties.

My mother, who knows me so well, sent me a package of my most favorite things: material goods and perishable foods!

Pictured above: The tongs even match my apartment's green color scheme. Greatest mom ever.